Self Improvement

Hello all, yes, I have returned from both the excitement I’ve been harbouring for my mother and myself, and the trauma of restarting university again. I can now say I am more than half way through my university career at least. I’ve achieved great grades for my first semester, but through this trauma and feeling of overwhelming dread, I have been wondering if it was worth all of that stress and anxiety. Was it worth the weight I lost because I could not eat? The sleep I missed out on due to nightmares? The craziness I put myself through because I did not have the time to socialise or to even put on clothes, let alone wash them. I do wonder at how students can say university is a dawdle and how people can look down on students and call them lazy or whatever. You get out what you put in. So, naturally, I’ve been a bit worried about coming back into an environment which I am mentally, not particularly equipped to handle. Luckily, George was around to remind me of the end goal. That’s important.

So, have I tried to make things better reader? Well, I assume that you assumed by the title of this piece that I have found a way to help with stressful situations. I have tried a few things.

I am awfully unorganised. I have poor temporal awareness and my spatial awareness can be pretty awful too depending on which one is my main focus. My mum suggested a To Do List app so what do I do? I go onto Google Play and I don’t just download any to do list… I download THE To Do List app, todoist, which is what my spelling looks like when I’m thinking of a million things at once, as is the usual then. It’s come in pretty handy… when I actually remember to make a list of the things I need to remember. I must remember to become better at that.

I then decided to keep a diary. I’ve always kept a diary since I was very young. I like to write about things regularly and I love to have a good reminisce. My diary was never a regular thing though, unfortunately. Maybe once every few weeks, if I really tried. This diary was going to be different though to my usual angry and depressed self tearing pages and smudging ink. This one was going to be a health diary to find out what I ate and when, how I drank, slept, socialised (in person, as apposed to the too regular virtual contact), exercised, toileted ect. I’m sure you get the picture. I realised that it’s a human thing to do all of these things and yet I struggle to remember how long it was since the last time I did any number of normal human functions.

This diary lasted 2 and half days and I am rather proud of myself. What I found was, that instead of documenting accurately what I do daily, I found myself doing everything more often and correcting myself so I had plenty to write about. I’m never usually that interesting. So, after two and a half days I started to find myself in a rut where I couldn’t move from my position in bed and I hated my entire life. I realised at this point the diary was a bust (it was on the table, too far to reach from bed).

A diary would not do. The moment classes started up again, I realised I’d be far too busy to be able to go so in depth as I did. I needed something else. I needed purpose. A reason to smile. A reason to haul myself out of my safe zone. I needed a daily goal. So, three nights ago I started writing down a number of possible things that I could achieve. Some easy and some more difficult. These included: diet and exercise goals, appearance goals, hobby goals, house goals, social goals, habit breaking goals, spiritual goals; something I could do in a day, or for a little bit of the day.

The first goal I had was to sit with my housemates. This was a scary prospect to me for some reason because I have become quite the recluse. It’s one thing to talk to people through the internet, another thing entirely to look at people and to talk to them. So, that evening I asked if they’d like to watch an episode of Shadowhunters with me (review to follow) and they agreed. So we watched an episode and I felt very proud that I both fulfilled my first goal and had a nice time doing it. I didn’t set myself a time limit, so I didn’t have to push myself too hard on the first go.

Yesterdays goal was to stay away from Twitter accounts that I deem as bad. In terms of ‘bad’, I refer to the twitter account of ex friends which I now passionately hate. Hate can be a very addictive feeling and can be very hard to pull away from, particularly when they have caused you harm and have acted like a complete douchebag and it brings me a certain amount of pleasure when I see they are going through a rough patch. I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel that way. We’re only human. Anyway, I knew I could do it for a day. I don’t check twitter everyday, although I did yesterday, I was able to refrain from the devils call.

Today my goal is to play music and sing. I have always loved music and singing. In fact, I saw myself as a singer growing up more than I did a writer. I hated reading as a kid and for most of my teens and I loved singing. I entered my school talent show, I took BTEC Music, it really was the direction I saw my life going in. Funny how directions change. So, this evening I shall be singing, might even get the guitar out if I feel I have the time. University is really asking too much of its Creative Writing/ English students this term.

Anyway, I hope this has been useful to anyone that is also struggling. Keep up the good fight. x

Why I won’t accept ‘You’ve lost weight’ as a compliment

Weight has never been an issue with me. I like myself the way I am and I’m comfortable. Sure, I get periods of insecurity but I think it’s generally agreed that all women, in fact, all people, that we suffer lapses of self judgement. We are, at times, our own enemies, our harshest critics, but we can also be our own best friends and at  times, we are all we can rely on. So, growing up, I never wanted to be anyone else, physically. Mentally, as some of you may know, I’ve wanted nothing better than to trade minds with someone else that seems more stable, more like they’ve got their shit together and figured out.

Yet, I’ve nearly always held my physical appearance in high regard. I try to eat well, balanced, and I like to keep myself on the go. I go through periods where I may not eat much, out of stress, or eat more than I normally would, out of stress; and I may not do as much exercise, due to work as I find it stressful, or I may do lots more exercise because I’m trying to procrastinate against feeling stressed. This leads to a kind of yoyo effect in weight. The changes aren’t usually that great, up to half a stone recently but it’s enough for people to notice. I don’t usually notice a difference in appearance, except for what the scales say. What I do notice, is how I feel. Sometimes, when I’ve put a couple pounds on, I’m really really happy and nothing could get me down. Recently, I’ve been fucking miserable and I’ve lost quite a few.

People don’t think about this though and it’s frustrating. It’s my understanding that when someone makes the comment of ‘You’ve put on weight’ that it’s meant negatively and they are insulting you. Likewise, the moment someone says ‘You’ve lost weight’ they are being positive, or trying to be, and are trying to pay you a compliment. I’m having trouble processing this right now, because I can be feeling most confident about myself, when someone has the nerve to pull out the ‘You’ve put on weight’ card to knock you down. And it does knock you down because what it feels like they’re really saying is ‘You look fat and ugly today’. Fat, for some reason in this society, seems to correlate with ugly. And God forbid anyone on this planet should be deemed ugly! What would a person have left? Their intelligence? Personality? Strength and speed? Kindness? Skills and talents? Let’s hope that no one should be afforded a compliment based on these merits! Let’s instead compliment someone’s ability at losing some of their body. What frame of mind they’re in doesn’t matter, they must be happy if they’ve lost some weight! And likewise, they must be miserable if they’ve put some on because who could be happy when they’re fat and ugly?

It makes me feel sad when I hear people base their worth out of how much body mass they, or a person that they are looking at, has. There is much more to a person than their appearance. There is so much more that one could compliment, or criticise. A person’s appearance is temporary. It is never fixed because it can not be. It is dependent on the individual’s internal processes and the environment in which they live. These things change. You will change. Why is such importance based on something that, in this life, in this world, does not really matter. How many people, in history, are remembered for being slim? For being big? For being ugly? Beautiful? History does not care. Why do we?

I’ve been brewing this one for a while. It makes me feel sad when I hear the ones I love worry about their weight and how they COULD look in the future. We do not live in the future, we live in the present. Of course, look after yourself today and you SHOULD feel better for it tomorrow but what is the point in wasting your life, focusing on something that, for some, is unlikely to ever happen. I find that the people most conscious about weight, their own and that of others,  are those that really have nothing about getting fat to worry about (underweight-lower healthy weight) and may not ever have anything to worry about. For some people putting on weight is impossible, a challenge. And for others, it can be easy, a challenge not to.

It’s a hard frame of mind, I’m sure, to break out of, judging the worth of yourself and others based on the size, weight and shape of a person’s body and I feel a degree of sorriness to those that feel that they have to criticise, or turn to something meaningless and temporary to compliment or insult. How about instead complimenting the size of their smile? Their healthy habits when you see them? The things they’re good at? Things that matter? This is why I can only take judgements and comments about weight as an insult. The person clearly doesn’t know me well enough to make a comment about something that actually matters.

I get that loved ones can be worried about health which is linked to weight. That’s understandable. A person can’t love you if they don’t worry about you from time to time. HOWEVER, My bones aren’t popping out everywhere. See this as a sign that I am eating well. Compliment that, if you’re really struggling. I can move freely. I can breathe. I can run fast, if my life depends on it. I have no disabilities due to obesity. Compliment my ability to live.

I had this conversation (kind of) with a loved one recently. It was a touchy conversation but after some thought I realised that this was all I wanted to say. I’m not upset about someone worrying about my health. I’m in a bit of a pickle, mentally. But, a person IS going to be aware of their health. Only they know what they are eating (or not). Only they know how much exercise they are doing (or not). If a person is in a deep state of denial, then maybe a doctor should be involved. However, generally, a person knows their own truths. If you’re worried about someone ask them subtly. ‘Do you want to go for a run with me tonight?’ or ‘Prawn pasta salad for dinner?’ is much nicer than saying: ‘You’ve put on weight.’ This is a tip for those reading that know that this applies to them. I hope this helps you. Making a comment isn’t going to make a person more determined. If you love them, you’ve got to get involved with them. Complimenting their soul will make them feel so much better than complimenting the outer shell that’s only going to die in a few years any way.

Cheers guys, thanks for reading. I hope this has helped. It feels good getting crap off my chest. x

 

 

A Penny For Your Thoughts

“A penny for your thoughts?” the old man cries,
A penny for the tears that fall like flies?
A penny for all your endless goodbyes?
“A penny for me?”

“Any spare change?” the old man pleads,
“Any spare change for a nice cup of tea?”
“Any spare change to help us flee?”
Any spare change so we can be free?

“Give me some coins?” the old man begs,
“Give me some coins?” for he’s hurt his leg,
“Give me some coins?” his minds a power keg,
“Give me some coins for a nice scotch egg?”

“A penny for your thoughts?” the old man now whispers,
As the day draws nigh,
But he holds on tight.

“Any spare change?” the old man coughs,
As he pulls ’round his sleeping bag,
And lights up his last fag.

“Spare me some change?”
But he knows it’s no good.
Who will listen in this neighbourhood?
When society ignores its’ ugly face
Of poverty and elite race.

How Far Does Body Positivity Go?

Ok. I’m going to start with an anecdote of what happened yesterday. So, today I am sat up with my feet up after walking all day in the most uncomfortable boots ever and giving myself a number of blisters. Silly me. While I was in town with my friend I went into The Works, the discount book shop, which just so happens to be one of my favourite shops in town. I walked past a woman that was so heavy that she could not walk and had to use crutches. I could hear her struggling to breathe from the other side of the store. I felt so sorry for how she had let her body go like that. Suddenly, I started to realise where the ‘fat shamers’ were coming from. I understood their argument. I don’t agree with how they come across, but I did understand, perhaps, a need for it. I watched a very good video the other day from a YouTuber that I’m not particularly a big fan of. I’ll leave the link to it below so that you can watch it.

My stomach, at the most unflattering angle possible, on a day when I felt hideous.

‘Fat Shaming’ has become this big thing that has risen along side the body positive and plus size appreciation revolution. This has been seen as a form of cyber bullying and many YouTubers, including the infamous ‘Nicole Arbour’ has made videos trying to make bigger men and women to feel bad. There have also been a lot of videos made to shame the ‘Fat Shamers’. This is where I find OnisonSpeaks, the YouTuber I aforementioned earlier on to hit the nail on the head. There is nothing wrong with being body positive. I am a body positive advocate and I try very hard not to offend any body shape or size, because I would not like anyone to slag off my body shape of size. It’s as simple as that. Nobody is perfect and if you’re going to make fun of a certain group of people then you’d have to expect it back. I’m still waiting on a video parodying and insulting Nicole Arbour, because, let’s face it, she does deserve it. On the other hand, who would want to sink to her level? I wouldn’t. After watching a lovely Loey Lane video called ‘Fat People Can’t Be Body Positive’ that commented on the infamous video, She refused to name the perpetrator and asked her subscribers not to even give her the time of day and I found this to be very wise advice. I did watch her video, but through another YouTuber reviewing it, because Loey was right. She really doesn’t deserve the ‘fame’.

My friend on a day when she felt most horrible about her body.

The issue is that beauty is subjective. People that say one body type is more beautiful over the other is just stating their opinion. Lots of people will say things like ‘all bodies are beautiful’. Yes, all bodies are beautiful in their own way because they hold life. They hold consciousness. That is something to be respected. However, everyone will have their preferences in the physical attributes of their partner, and sometimes, even just friends. This is where ideas of natural selection and sexual selection take place. Every species on this planet has their own idea of what is attractive and what is not. People, as a species, has a very large pool to choose from. Some people for more comfortable looking as bigger people, others feel more comfortable looking at smaller people. Some hate both and prefer to be on their own. Some like everyone and don’t have one particular preference. None of these are bad. We are individuals. We have preferences. We have opinions. Is it ok to be shallow? No, but are people going to be? Yes, because for some reason, that’s how the world works right now.

Going back to my original anecdote though raises the question, is there a point at which body positivity becomes dangerous? Is there a point where it actually becomes body negative? I think that it has to start with feeling good about yourself. Nothing good comes from bad thoughts. What I see a lot from the comments over YouTube at body positive figures is that they don’t exercise or they eat too much and that, due to their size and shape, they are promoting an unhealthy lifestyle purely based on how they look. I think that’s just silly. You can’t assume you know how someone lives based on their size and shape. My sister is half my size and just last weekend she ate three takeaways. Lillian Bustle did a Tedx Talk called ‘Stripping Away Negative Body Image’ and talked about how women, particularly plus size women should get into Burlesque dancing. Lots of people commented about how she, as a bigger woman, was promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. Yet her whole video was about encouraging women to embrace this exercise and gain confidence. I thought it was great and a great place to start getting bigger women into exercise and a healthy routine, yet there were people calling her lazy and, in my eyes, just trolling her. I thought it was ridiculous. If a big, influential woman started promoting an unhealthy lifestyle, encouraging people to eat junk food all the time and do no exercise; there would be outrage, and no one would follow that person. That’s not being body positive. That’s ruining yourself. However, if a small, influential woman did the same, I don’t think it would be such a big thing and I think it would actually become fashionable. Of course, you’d always get the crazy people that will make comments online, often about how converting to veganism will save their life. The thing is though, that’s not what’s happening. These women are trying to live a healthy a lifestyle as they can. They are aware of the health implications of obesity. I have a lot of respect for the work these women do.

Something I saw on Tumblr the other day said that ‘can we stop making obesity a thing, it’s not real’ or something to that effect. Unfortunately, it is real. It’s not something that can be ignored. I heard it’s heavy breathing yesterday in my favourite book store. Health is a thing. No, we don’t have a right to insult someone or put across a lousy opinion that will hurt another’s feelings. I would never have gone up to that woman and insulted her the way someone people insult big women on the internet. It’s heinous. People are aware of their own circumstances. Of course though, I was worried about her health, because the woman did look like she was ready to collapse and I really hope that she’s able to turn things around for herself. Was I going to tell her any of that though? Of course not. You keep you opinions to yourself because they aren’t necessary. If people acted online the way they would in real life, maybe the internet would be a nicer place.

I hope that this article gets read. You don’t need to be obsessing over your health, but you can’t pretend that it doesn’t exist either. Neither is healthy and neither is going to make you feel better inside. Big or small, fat or skinny, curvy or straight, you will be attractive to someone. Ignore the haters and just concentrate on your happiness and your health will follow. Stay safe guys, see you soon x

All videos can be found in the ‘LoveYourFigure’ playlist on YouTube. Links are:

• OnisonSpeaks, ‘Is fat Shaming Bad + Which Women Are Fat?’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f5JHx6KQ10&list=PLoAwIUKUmMS__jKJnuANDFd_82n7gOt_o&index=207
• Loey Lane ‘Fat People Can’t Be Positive’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaNDkXpEo3s
• Lillian Bustle ‘Stripping Away Negative Body Image’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ME-c0l8oTkY&index=172&list=PLoAwIUKUmMS__jKJnuANDFd_82n7gOt_o
• Ozzy Man Reviews ‘Ozzy Man Reviews: Dear Fat People’ (For anyone that didn’t see THAT video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYo7WUBlvUA

Sex Is Knowing, Knowing Is Sex

Sexual health- the secret side of health that no one likes to talk about.

I’d like to begin by saying that I’m not a doctor. I was good at science in school but that’s as far as it goes. What I do know though is that sexual health is something that is viewed negatively and can be embarrassing to talk about. When I did my work experience, I went to help the Volunteer Network. My parents were kind of mad because they’d wanted me to get a WORK experience, not a volunteer one. I ignored them. I had to give up my place at ABC Wedding dresses because someone ‘more suitable’ was being considered and D R Jones, the interior decorators, didn’t reply back to my letter. I was pretty disappointed really. What I got however, was not what I’d expected. I remember that one of the days I was asked to arrange a display in their Yeovil Shop in the Quedam. This display was a sex/ sexual health information stand. I was so embarrassed that I’m 99% sure my face was lit up like bonfire night. My colleges spoke about sex and asked me about sex, and I had no idea what to respond. I was still a virgin, obviously. They were expecting someone with stories and secrets and instead they had a very shy, very nervous girl who’d got rejected a lot. They gave me a C Card and I shoved it to the bottom of my bag, hoping to never see it again. Hoping that my parents would never find out what had transpired.

So, despite this and despite the fact I did have a bit of knowledge about safe sex, sexual health and where to go for advice, testing, contraception ect. I was still pretty oblivious when it actually came down to it. I guess what I’m trying to say it that when you’re busy having fun, you don’t really stop and think about whether you’re all healthy and fully functioning, which is important. I know for a fact that I’m not the only one. It’s not until long after the deeds have be done that you stop and think ‘Hang on. What if something’s not quite right?’ This thought usually happens after a trip to the doctors, after they ask you if you’re sexually active; or if you’re walking past a Chlamydia test stand in your college’s library. It’s important that you pick one up and do it. You see the posters displaying the figures for Chlamydia but you don’t ever think it would happen to you. The thing is, is that it’s so common that it really could happen to you. Issue is that you don’t even know what Chlamydia is. I knew it was some kind of STI and that it rarely ever had any symptoms, but I didn’t know why it was so bad. Not until I looked it up, of course. If you ever plan to have children, Chlamydia would stomp that out. It could also cause you a number of difficulties with your health in future life. At the bottom of this page I’ve linked you to the NHS web page so you can find out more.

Getting tested isn’t too difficult. You fill in your details on your form, you either pee into the container provided or take a swab then, depending on what your instructions say, you either send it in the post or take it to your local GP. If it’s a black packet, it’s postal. If it’s blue or pink, then you have to hand it in. Don’t as a GP because they don’t really seem to know what’s inside the tests. I, myself, had to educate my local GP on what they were handing out and trying to convince young people to do. I guess since they are older, they don’t get this service so they don’t really know what they’re selling. You can pick up your free test at your GP, hospital, college, supermarket- lots of places are giving them out. This is how important it is. Chlamydia is most common between 15-24 year old so they recommend you take a test after every person you’ve been with and/ or once a year. This was something I didn’t really know about but I do now and I think it’s important to share it with you.

You don’t need a lecture on safe sex, we’ve all watched enough of Mean Girls to know about the evils of unprotected sex, but what isn’t really taught is about the effects STD’s can have, how easy they can be to catch and how you can get rid of them. When Chlamydia is caught early on, one pill clears it up. Don’t be that person who goes around making yourself and everyone you have sex with ill. Having fun is much easier when you don’t have to think about the consequences because you know you’ve been responsible.

I think the issue is the stigma that’s attached. I know people that have been too embarrassed to take a test, or even think of getting tested, just in case. This isn’t something you need to be afraid to do. You wouldn’t be embarrassed to go to the hospital with a broken arm. You wouldn’t be embarrassed to go to the dentist with a rotten tooth. You wouldn’t be embarrassed to go to the GP for an allergy. So why should you be embarrassed over this kind of illness? Because it’s contracted through sex? Every mature person has sex, surely that can’t be the issue? If you’re mature enough to get intimate with another person, you’re mature enough to look after your health. Their shouldn’t be a stigma to looking after yourself, regardless of what it is and how it happened. Remember that. You don’t have to feel ashamed and it’s so easy that you don’t have to feel nervous about it.

Thanks for reading guys, stay safe x

BTW:

• http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Chlamydia/Pages/Introduction.aspx
• Pictures from: http://www.somersetcsh.co.uk/page/chlamydia/5/ [Accessed 11/09/15]
• And http://www.somersetcsh.co.uk/page/c-card/48/ [Accessed 11/09/15]
• And https://sexatmichigan.wordpress.com/2013/11/26/get-sum-facts-chlamydia/comment-page-1/#comment-16 [Accessed 11/09/15]

All great places to go for further information. Don’t be scared, be fearless.

Save Our Children

Yesterday I was on YouTube. I didn’t do any writing, I was just trying to get the word out about my blog and draw in readers from the body positive community. What I found was quite astonishing. I was going through my LoveYourFigure playlist and across Loey Lane, Buzz Feed, videos that were boosting confidence, I found many young viewers had flocked to these videos because they were insecure. Girls as young as 10 were on YouTube, asking if they were too tall, too short, too heavy or too light. Most of the comments were made up of pre-adolescent/early adolescent girls sharing their measurements and seeking reassurance. I found this astonishing for a number of reasons.

Firstly, How are the parents of girls this young allowing them free access to the internet and not monitoring their tracks? There are sick men and women that could easily try and manipulate the situation and I found it so odd that many children had YouTube accounts, were commenting the hell out of those videos, and were making themselves look to vulnerable on the internet. When I was this age, my computer didn’t even have internet. My parents refused to buy it. We had a big, boxy desk top computer with Windows 95 on it. I don’t even have a mobile phone until I was 11. Our computer was used for Paint and for games. This freedom that is given to children, unchecked, is surely dangerous? My parents, back in the early stages of social media, would let me have it. I had to wait until I was around fourteen until I could make a Bebo account (I had made one earlier at a friends, but I felt so guilty for disobeying my parents that I deleted it before they could find out). Parents these days aren’t taking internet safety seriously, or into consideration and are letting their children go wild. I myself know this first hand, from how one of my sisters has used Facebook. She should be old enough to know better now, but she still does silly things. It can be degrading. Once you leave something on the Internet anyone can find it, if they know where to look and they can do all kinds of things. So, the first part of this message is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE watch what your children do on the internet; watch what they post, manage their accounts. If you’re a child reading this then I want you to think about what you write, who can see it, and whether it’s appropriate. Would you want your friends to see it? Your parents? Your grandparents? If the answer is no, then don’t. Could a dirty old man or woman see it and take advantage? If the answer is yes, then don’t.

The next part of this post, is teaching children about health and happiness. Now, as I was saying earlier. These children were on YouTube seeking approval about their physical qualities. Obesity is a large problem, so much so that that could be a pun. This problem is another thing that could be prevented by cautious parenting. Over feeding causes obesity. A child is very unlikely to cook their own dinner. I know, from my own experience that it can be hard on the child. My parents gave me a packed lunch at school and expected me to pick up a cooked dinner at school. I played a lot of sport and burned MOST of it off but if I hadn’t have been so competitive, I probably would have been a very fat child. My parents were so worried that I wouldn’t get enough to eat that they gave me too much to eat. I don’t think this is a rare thought either. I mean, I’m happy that my parents did make sure I ate well, but not every child is competitive and likes sports activities, which is where parents also should be encouraging their children because exercise is important. It’s up to the parents whether or not their children eat correctly. Children shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not they’re getting fat. It’s something that could damage their childhood and give them insecurities far into their adult life.

Being called names is the worst. Name calling is so damaging for a child’s self image. I myself remember many times relatives had called me a ‘porker’ or ‘tubs’, and it’s only now that I’m starting to become more accepting and confident about how I look. This could happen even if the child isn’t fat and it’s damaging to their mental health. Childhood is meant to be a positive, fun, carefree time, but from what I saw of the young girls comments, it seemed anything but. It’s sad. It’s really sad. Parent’s and relatives do need to be more delicate about these subjects. Kids can have a hard enough time at school, which out coming home, or to a family environment and suffer from bullying. That’s what it is. It’s bullying and it’s humiliating.

How you, as a parent, choose to see themselves is also a big deal. Self criticism and deconstruction of self is taught. If you’re looking at yourself in the mirror and picking yourself apart and calling out all our bad bits, then your child is going to see that and do the same. They will copy your self hatred. You need to be a positive role model for your children. You need to show them why it’s important that you love yourself. It’s so important that this self love starts at home. The media is so rife with negative images and messages that good role models are needed. I think it’ll be a long time before kids can see and understand diversity on the TV, on the radio, in magazines, on shop windows even. All of these places affect you and your children, and how they think and feel about themselves. Kids are innocent and vulnerable.

This is a long post but I have a LOT to say. This whole thing has been also brought to my attention from Kylie Jenner and her ‘transformation’. Everybody grows up. Everyone will change BUT at seventeen, a parent shouldn’t be allowing their child to have plastic surgery. Her relatives should not have been encouraging her to have plastic surgery. They SHOULD have been encouraging her to embrace who she is and how she looks. I saw a Buzzfeed type picture collage on the ‘evolution’ of Kylie and it made me feel so sad. She never had a childhood. At twelve years old, she looked like she was my age and should have been attending university or working. Her parents have robbed her of her childhood. Instead of protecting her, they managed her and have turned her into a money making scheme. In my eyes, her parents are monsters and I genuinely feel sorry for her. In the UK, seventeen is not considered an adult, but it’s close. In America, seventeen is no where near considered an adult. If she chose to change herself in such a way, when she became an adult, then fair game. People do it all the time. I still think it’s wrong and that people should be happy with themselves, but that’s not always how the world works and sometimes people aren’t who they want to be, but at seventeen, you’re still just a teenager.

Anyway, that’s my rant and lesson over. I hope you enjoyed reading this long, long post and I’ll see you soon x

On My Way Home

Death of a classmate

unfinished work due tomorrow

insecure lover

never ending illness

picking my future like a rabbit from a hat

winter weather

feuding friends, feuding family

must lose weight

get fit

must get happy again

losing sight

must mourn

say goodbye now

must work for my life

calm my lover

hate when he’s sad

must calm myself

from going mad

again.

What’ve You Got To Lose?

Weight and body confidence is a huge media issue at the moment. I’ve watched and compiled countless videos made by frequent and less frequent bloggers on what body confidence is and how it should be achieved (Check out ‘LoveYourFigure’ on YouTube for more info). I’ve watched many journeys made by overweight and obese women to lose weight, and underweight girls trying to put on the pounds. I’ve also heard many skinny and fat women say they are happy with the way they are. They have no desire to lose or gain weight to be the ‘ideal’. I too, despite being a bit overweight  myself would not like the thought of losing too much of physical self. Yet when I jump on the scale and see that I have gained a few extra pounds over Christmas, I still get that sense of horror that most women feel. But why? In this article, I don’t have any tips for you guys. I just want to try and expand your self image, and ideals not just for yourself, but for others.

The internet can be a flipping harsh place. Trolls are always out to get you. If you stick up for someone that clearly has a weight issue, then you too clearly are in the same boat and must be put down too. If you have an interest in some form of your appearance then someone will always try to put you down, and they will attack you until they hit your soft spot. Some people have more of these insecure soft spots than others. After growing up with many insecurities of my own body image, I’ve come to realise that these weaknesses can be my strengths. These huge thighs could knock an attacker to the ground and keep them there. My wobbly tummy is a soft pillow for my boyfriends head. By big bum is a cushion for when I fall down. My cheeks make my smile more inviting. All these things that I found myself worrying about on a daily basis, I realised, made me who I am. Of course, you can change things and many people do. Ideally, I’d like to eat a bit healthier and get back to my exercise routine when I get back to uni. These things shouldn’t scare you. You should want to live better. You should want to look after yourself.

On the subject of change, we all change. A caterpillar cannot become a butterfly without some change. That doesn’t mean that you have to completely reinvent yourself but if you want to, then go ahead. This means that you can’t try and keep the same body your whole life. You will gain weight and you will lose it. You will grow old. Trying to prevent something as necessary as these things is futile because one way or another, they will happen. People get sick. People become pregnant. People get stressed. People age. You’re on a journey and you should enjoy it, not prevent it. Your body is only an illustration of your journey. You don’t have to feel ashamed when you’ve hit a rough patch and you think your body shows it. You get back up and try to be the person you want to be. You focus on the bits you love. Focus on you and everyone else will fade into the background. No one knows how you think and how you feel. Only you know that. No one else has the right to try and judge you and if someone tries, then I’m sure they’re just trying to disguise their own soft spots. No one’s born perfect. Not unless they grew up thinking that they didn’t need to be insecure. In that case, no one can change their mind. Anyone can change their thought pattern over time. You can spend time crying over things that are out of your control, or you can smile about all of the positive things that you possess. You can get yourself into a positive mind set. You can choose to turn heads.

You are a star and your need to let yourself shine. Seriously, you’re a miracle and you need to remind people that you aren’t any less than you are, whether you’re big or small, short or tall. You’ve got it. Don’t let sarky comments hold you back from looking how you want to look, or doing what you want to do, and don’t let yourself stop you. At the end of the day, you are your biggest enemy. You’ve got to start loving you and you’ve got to want to be your own friend first. If you think you look stupid, other people will think you look stupid. You have to own yourself. You’ve got to own being you because you can’t be someone else. Your parents don’t want you to be someone else. Your friends, your family, past, present and future, they all love you. They choose to be around you. They don’t have to be, they choose to be. So choose to be yourself around them. If something or someone makes you happy, then go for it. It doesn’t matter what it looks like to other people. You enjoy it, you do it. Don’t let years of negative enforcement make you think that you have to act and look a certain way. We are free.

I know I’ve gone off topic a little but it all revolves around the question of ‘what have you got to lose?’. Insecurity? Worry? Bad health? Low mood? Boredom? These are just a few of the negatives you’ve got to lose by changing your perception of yourself and of others. No one is better than you are. You don’t  have to be afraid. Don’t think about the loss, only of the gain. Being outside of the ideal norm is not a bad thing. Being overweight or underweight does not affect your value. There are health benefits to being inside this ideal, but you need to concentrate on your happiness and how you want to achieve happiness. Good health starts with happiness and a good mental health. Sofa surfing all day can only do so much for you. Working out all day is only the same. You’re missing moments. We live day by day, collecting moments. Don’t let something as trivial as a number on a scale hold you back from these moments. This is why positive body image is crucial. It’ll make you miserable if you don’t have it. Don’t put people down just to raise yourself up. That’s not real body positivity. That’s not going to make you feel any more secure in yourself. You might think so in the short term, but in the long term, people are just going to think you’re a dick.

Cheers guys, see you soon x