The Maths Of Feeling Lonely

I read The Age of Loneliness by An Author’s Life, and this is supposed to be a bit different but aware of the mentioned text. I don’t know how to mould the content so I’ll just have to see where it takes me.

So, unsurprisingly this is today’s topic because I woke up feeling lonely today. I’d spent this weekend staying with one of my best mates from home who attends Plymouth University. There were laughs and there were tears. All in all, it was a great weekend. I find loneliness one of the most frustrating feelings of all though. I wake up without George (the fiancé) every morning and it’s lonely. I go about my morning, getting ready and doing work by myself. That get’s pretty lonely too. The afternoon progresses, I might see people on campus. I might get a phone call from George, I might actually have social plans formed and yet, but that point, in can be pretty hard to know when to turn that switch off.

And I know, it’s not just me. This weekend alone, I realised that a lot of people around me feel it too. Being around people can be a distraction but when the distraction is over, you are left with yourself and for some people, that can be pretty damn scary. Some people say that the outside world is scary but I believe that our own minds are even scarier. At the end of it all, you are born alone and you die alone. There’s one voice alone in your head. It’s the internal that can be most dangerous.

View loneliness as a warning bell.

When you feel so sad that you can’t do anything and the silence gets too much, and the lack of company gets too much, it’s time to go find some. That’s not always something you can do, like me waking up alone in the morning. That’s something I have to endure until George visits again. But there are times when you can do it. If you’re at home, watching stuff or playing games, whatever it is, go and seek out those you live with. Parents get taken far too easily for granted. They are there to help you and they’d probably tell you you were being silly if they saw you choosing to remain alone when you are feeling lonely. Being around people doesn’t always help satisfy it, but it certainly can help. Especially when they are people that you are close with and trust. If they aren’t, then perhaps don’t bother with them.

last supper

The issue with loneliness is that it comes in so many forms. Moving away, losing a partner, losing friends, being overloaded with work, losing a pet, and there are probably  loads more. Loss in general is enough to trigger loneliness, whether someone walks away or is taken from you, a hole, no matter how big or small, will open up in your life. Equally, other big events can make you feel lonely as you’re having to replace sociality with whatever is currently consuming your time. Social media and virtual experiences of people, aren’t enough to satisfy the need for actual human contact. 

I was going to call this ‘The Art Of Feeling Lonely’ However, loneliness isn’t like over thinking. It’s not something that takes you to places, regardless of if you want to go there. Loneliness just happens. It’s not tied to age or experience. At the age 6 I felt lonely. At the age of 15 I felt lonely, and now, nearly 21, I feel lonely. I’m dead sure that it won’t be the last time that I feel lonely either. So, I’ll call it an equation of maths instead, where loneliness is a feeling of subtraction in your life. Something has been taken away which has made you feel this void. It might even not be something you’re aware of. The subtracted could be you. Before this feeling, you may have enjoyed being alone. It’s something that many people are good at; but then something happens inside yourself and you realise that you don’t enjoy your own company any more. It happens.

The thing with maths, is that you can add things to your sum. When you feel something has been subtracted, add something, or someone. Experiment. The numbers you add don’t have to be huge, or daring. They don’t have to feel like a leap. There’s no point in over compensating. Do the maths that you can do and the loneliness should take care of it’s self.

Thanks for reading everyone (: See you soon xx

 

Self Improvement

Hello all, yes, I have returned from both the excitement I’ve been harbouring for my mother and myself, and the trauma of restarting university again. I can now say I am more than half way through my university career at least. I’ve achieved great grades for my first semester, but through this trauma and feeling of overwhelming dread, I have been wondering if it was worth all of that stress and anxiety. Was it worth the weight I lost because I could not eat? The sleep I missed out on due to nightmares? The craziness I put myself through because I did not have the time to socialise or to even put on clothes, let alone wash them. I do wonder at how students can say university is a dawdle and how people can look down on students and call them lazy or whatever. You get out what you put in. So, naturally, I’ve been a bit worried about coming back into an environment which I am mentally, not particularly equipped to handle. Luckily, George was around to remind me of the end goal. That’s important.

So, have I tried to make things better reader? Well, I assume that you assumed by the title of this piece that I have found a way to help with stressful situations. I have tried a few things.

I am awfully unorganised. I have poor temporal awareness and my spatial awareness can be pretty awful too depending on which one is my main focus. My mum suggested a To Do List app so what do I do? I go onto Google Play and I don’t just download any to do list… I download THE To Do List app, todoist, which is what my spelling looks like when I’m thinking of a million things at once, as is the usual then. It’s come in pretty handy… when I actually remember to make a list of the things I need to remember. I must remember to become better at that.

I then decided to keep a diary. I’ve always kept a diary since I was very young. I like to write about things regularly and I love to have a good reminisce. My diary was never a regular thing though, unfortunately. Maybe once every few weeks, if I really tried. This diary was going to be different though to my usual angry and depressed self tearing pages and smudging ink. This one was going to be a health diary to find out what I ate and when, how I drank, slept, socialised (in person, as apposed to the too regular virtual contact), exercised, toileted ect. I’m sure you get the picture. I realised that it’s a human thing to do all of these things and yet I struggle to remember how long it was since the last time I did any number of normal human functions.

This diary lasted 2 and half days and I am rather proud of myself. What I found was, that instead of documenting accurately what I do daily, I found myself doing everything more often and correcting myself so I had plenty to write about. I’m never usually that interesting. So, after two and a half days I started to find myself in a rut where I couldn’t move from my position in bed and I hated my entire life. I realised at this point the diary was a bust (it was on the table, too far to reach from bed).

A diary would not do. The moment classes started up again, I realised I’d be far too busy to be able to go so in depth as I did. I needed something else. I needed purpose. A reason to smile. A reason to haul myself out of my safe zone. I needed a daily goal. So, three nights ago I started writing down a number of possible things that I could achieve. Some easy and some more difficult. These included: diet and exercise goals, appearance goals, hobby goals, house goals, social goals, habit breaking goals, spiritual goals; something I could do in a day, or for a little bit of the day.

The first goal I had was to sit with my housemates. This was a scary prospect to me for some reason because I have become quite the recluse. It’s one thing to talk to people through the internet, another thing entirely to look at people and to talk to them. So, that evening I asked if they’d like to watch an episode of Shadowhunters with me (review to follow) and they agreed. So we watched an episode and I felt very proud that I both fulfilled my first goal and had a nice time doing it. I didn’t set myself a time limit, so I didn’t have to push myself too hard on the first go.

Yesterdays goal was to stay away from Twitter accounts that I deem as bad. In terms of ‘bad’, I refer to the twitter account of ex friends which I now passionately hate. Hate can be a very addictive feeling and can be very hard to pull away from, particularly when they have caused you harm and have acted like a complete douchebag and it brings me a certain amount of pleasure when I see they are going through a rough patch. I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel that way. We’re only human. Anyway, I knew I could do it for a day. I don’t check twitter everyday, although I did yesterday, I was able to refrain from the devils call.

Today my goal is to play music and sing. I have always loved music and singing. In fact, I saw myself as a singer growing up more than I did a writer. I hated reading as a kid and for most of my teens and I loved singing. I entered my school talent show, I took BTEC Music, it really was the direction I saw my life going in. Funny how directions change. So, this evening I shall be singing, might even get the guitar out if I feel I have the time. University is really asking too much of its Creative Writing/ English students this term.

Anyway, I hope this has been useful to anyone that is also struggling. Keep up the good fight. x

My Thoughts Today

Being alive is hard. Have you ever thought about that? The hardships one faces just by breathing? You’re brought into a world with no idea of who or what you are. It takes years, for some a lifetime, to figure out themselves out. You’ve got to give yourself food, drink, exercise, sleep; you’ve got to work, relax, socialise, learn. You’ve got to follow laws and for most, at least basic norms. For many, you’ve got to appease friends, relatives, colleagues, partners. You’ve got look after yourself and others when just looking after yourself is a challenge. And it is a challenge, let’s face it. Everyone has days when they need to haul themselves out of bed and force themselves to look in the mirror. Not only have we got to live, but we have to survive. Not all of us are adept at surviving. I find the idea of survival an odd one. Survival should be natural to all of us, and yet I often lack the motivation to feed myself and give myself water whenever I’m hungry or thirsty. In fact, it’s not always a motivational thing, but more often one of forgetfulness. Humans need water to survive? Oh yeah… 

It is so easy to stress about the ‘big things’ in life that we forget about the smaller things that we need to keep us going and yet these things are big things. Very big things. Life and society has a panicking about things that, in the long haul, don’t even matter. When you look back at the end of your life you should, firstly, be proud that you made it so far. In this world, you’re not guaranteed a long life. You’re not guaranteed a life at all. You have to get go and get it. Being in good health, and remembering to survive is the first step to being alive. These are things that so many take for granted. There are people that have to survive on a lot less and yet, no matter where we are, who we are, survival is still something many of us find difficult.

If you’ve found the motivation or the time to read this short article, I’d like to say thank you and congratulations. Being alive can be pretty shit, let me level. We’re small, single creatures on a huge planet in the middle of a huge universe and yet, our problems can seem like all there is. But there’s so much more! There are others around you, that are just like you, taking on the daily grind. There are places to see, people to meet, things to do all around you. And I know, it’s overwhelming when you think about it. But sometimes you need to spread your wings, and sometimes you need an anchor to stop you floating off into space.

I don’t have any advice: no 101 for this, no tips, no help, just understanding and sympathy. I can’t even think of the word I want to use and apparently, Urban Dictionary doesn’t know it either so I guess it’s not important right now. But yeah, I know the struggles and I was just thinking about them because, I’m having a solemn kind of day and my mind works more than it should when I actually have time to relax and do my own stuff, but hey, guess it’s a survival kind of thing. Can’t complain.

See you later guys! (: xx

 

Home Is Where The Heart Is, So They Say

Heyo, so it’s approaching that time of year when students start panicking about where they’re going to move over the summer. After already moving several times since coming to university last year, I hoped to settle down here. I found a house I like. It’s not dirty of messy like the last one. I’ve got nice house mates unlike the first one. I have lots of space, George can come over whenever he’s able to, and it just feels perfect. However, I’ve been told I’m going to have to leave because the landlords have given my house to another group. I hoped it wouldn’t come to this because I was told current tenants would get priority. I’m a current tenant and I didn’t not get priority. So it looks like, what’s left of us, will be looking for a new house. I’m a little bit peeved, I know how manky and tiny students houses can be. I’ve looked round enough of them. I’ve come to the conclusion, from the three landlords I’ve had now, that none of them are any good.

If you are a fellow student I have some advice for you:

Make sure you know what you’re mates are like before you move in with them. If you’re like me, messy but considerate, it will drive you insane if one of your group leaves your communal areas in a mess frequently. At my previous house, this drove me insane. because it was all the time. It’s not so bad every now and again but living in a mess all the time is a nightmare. How are you supposed to organise your work if you can’t even organise your kitchen? If you’re unlike me, and doesn’t understand how to use a bit of Fairy and a sponge, I suggest you learn how before you get slaughtered, or alternatively, if you’ve got one, use a dishwasher. But, make sure you rinse stuff off first. My house mates and I found out far too late. I don’t want you to be susceptible to the same fate as ours.

Mould is a problem I didn’t even realise existed. I mean, in my last house, don’t get my wrong, my windows were grotty as hell when I first moved in, but I didn’t realise walls got it too, until this house. If that’s a problem you’ve got, I suggest a few things: First, wipe it all off with an old flannel and some Dettol Mould spray. That works pretty well for any new mould However, it will take some of the paint off of the walls, but that’s your landlords problem, not yours, hopefully. Secondly, when you have the heating on, unfortunately, you will need to open the windows a little. You’ve got damp problem and you need to heat that water up and waft it out of your house.

Food can be expensive and 99% of the time, I bet you can’t even be bothered to cook. You’re tired, you’ve been working hard (or not) and cooking isn’t even in your vocabulary. Nor is food shopping. But guys, you’ve gotta eat! If you’ve not thought of it, try doing a house shop. Each chip in £5-10 a week. And do house meals, that way, you’ve got at least half the week where you’re going to be eating something good for you. Neither of my two previous houses did this. Well, the first one did, with my other house mate, but not with me and the second well, the living arrangements were as messy as our kitchen! In this house however, we did this and it was cool. it was nice to get to experiment and you got to try new things. Like, I’d never eaten lemon chicken before and my house mate’s was weird and delicious and while I didn’t like it, I really did and I wanted to stop eating it but I couldn’t… you get the picture? Keeping a house together is about team work. Your house mates need to be people you can depend on, work with and have fun with, of course.

I think that’s all of my student housing advice for now. I next want to talk about home. Home can be really subjective. When I say home, I can be talking about 5 different houses and yet none of them are really my ‘home’. My uni house can’t be considered home because I’m getting kicked out of it in 5 months. It’s a temporary solution. Home is something permanent. When I go back to Yeovil, I stay with my fiancé and we move between his mums and dads houses. Neither of these feel like home either, because like my uni house, they are temporary. I move between the two regularly and then I’m off again to Falmouth. I recently realised that moving in with your boyfriend (or in my case, fiancé now) and his family is an odd experience. I call it coming home, because I get to be with the one I love. However, it’s not quite home because I still feel like a guest; I don’t have a history there. It’s a new setting halfway through my story. I felt like that when I lived at my grandparents. It wasn’t my house, but someone else’s. they had different rules, different ways of doing things than I was used to. Then there are my parents houses.

My dad’s house is the one I grew up in as a child until about 14. That one doesn’t quite feel like home any more because: A. it has gone through many changes, B. The rest of my family aren’t there any more and C. It feels like so long ago since I lived there, I was just a kid. It’s got history, I’ll give you that, but it lacks something present, something now. My mum’s is the most like home out of all 5 houses. My mum’s there, my sisters are there, my dog’s there. I lived there very recently, before kind of moving in with George and I still go there a lot. It’s got more of a history and I’ve cooked there. That’s what I have decided the criteria for making a home is. Permanence + Memories + Being able to cook and clean comfortably + Family presence = Home. Family Presence can be taken out of the equation and still mean home, if you live by yourself, you can still be at home. You might have pictures of family or some kind of trace still around of them, they don’t necessarily have to live there with you.

I’ve been thinking about the idea of home and what it means to me personally, for a while. I wondered why I just couldn’t quite feel comfortable anywhere. I began thinking that I just didn’t belong any where and this made me feel very sad. I know now though, that all of these places are what makes up my home. I’m a bit of a traveller at the moment, moving from place to place, and I’m not quite feeling settled, but I know I will soon, once all of the temporary places get replaced for one permanent place. What’s your idea of home?

xx

Pagan Hypocrisy

Today, I engaged myself in a heated discussion on religion, Islam in particular, which as some of you may have guessed, I tend to do easily and quite often. It started off as a person asking about Satanists and ended as a discussion on the evils of Islam. This annoyed me  and brought me to the realisation of how small minded and racist other pagans CAN be. I’m not saying Pagans are, because I’m certainly not and I know a lot of Pagans that are as open minded, however, there are a lot that are and this surprises me.

It surprises me for a number of reasons. First of all, all Pagans do is wish for acceptance, understanding and recognition in society. I, myself, have had difficulty in getting certain loved ones to understand, to accept and recognise, but the majority do. I have a lot of friends from different religions and we are all on the understanding that neither wants to be converted, and we leave it at that. Yet, in the discussion, some Pagans did not wish to show acceptance, understanding or even recognition to other religions, particularly Islam. I found this terribly hypocritical. Pagans, the most open minded people, were in this case, the most close minded and it saddened me.

One certain character decided to pick out vague parts of the Qu’ran that promoted paedophilia, mass murder and racist beliefs about those of other religions. I pointed out that Pagans thousands of years ago, may have sacrificed animals and the young. If my friends started hiding their pets and children from me out of fear, I’d be incredibly upset. It works both ways. Religion is a very very old thing. We are not. Therefore, religion is something to be interpreted by us, who are affected by time and space. I don’t do ritual sacrifices of any kind because in this day and age, I don’t believe that it is necessary, or just and I imagine that the same applies to any other religion. You pick and choose what fits the day and age. The laws on same-sex marriage are proof of that.

Another reason it surprised me is because I was asked WHY I was defending Islam, despite not reading the Qu’ran yet. This was an interesting question, considering Wicca’s laws of ‘An it harm none’ and ‘Live and let live’ did not seem to be relevant in this conversation but are very relevant in my life. Talking slander about another religion, in my eyes, causes harm. Considering I have friends at university that are Muslim and are lovely, I would not wish them this harm and I’m happy to defend. If it had been the other way round and they were horrible to me, like certain Christians, then perhaps my opinion would be different. However, I can only go on what I seen with my own eyes. I don’t believe in placing my faith in hear say. Then, there is the whole idea, of just let people live their life the way they want to. If they aren’t hurting you, then what is the problem if they choose to place their faith in a book, or just certain pages of a book? I see no issue here. If someone came to me and told me what I believed in was wrong and that I was a bad person for believing in what I do, I’d tell them what they can do, and where they can go very promptly.

This is just a short article expressing my displeasure that some of the hypocritical members of the Pagan Community. Discrimination, unfortunately, is very much alive and well in the Pagan Community and I don’t believe that there is any room for it. After thousands of years of persecution, why are some pagans believing that it is their right to now dish it out?

Thanks for reading guys x

 

 

Oh! Things have changed!

Ok so, it’s been so long since I had last written that the website has been updated and the actual format of the ‘new post’ page has changed… interesting. I’d first like to apologise for my lack of writing, I’m sure many of you have missed me.

The occasion of my writing comes upon many things. The first of which was my doctors appointment yesterday evening. I finally plucked up enough courage to admit  the struggles I have faced with myself for most of my life. It was not easy and there were several occasions upon this confession where I almost cried. It was very difficult to admit there is a problem out loud, especially when I’m so used to harbouring these thoughts and feelings. So, I’m kind of proud of myself for that. For so long I tried to pretend like I’m ok by helping others face their own problems. I’ve been on the outside looking in, because I was too afraid to lift my head from the sand. This has both helped me and made me feel worse.

I knew university life would be hard. Whilst in college, I didn’t think I could do it. The thought of me living by myself and so far away from my family, I thought was ridiculous and I knew that I would feel like this. I had no idea how to look after myself. Not just physically but in every way; and I do feel like I neglect myself. My room became a tip, I looked like a cavewoman and my life feels shit. So I have decided that today, I’m going to take a ‘me’ day, because I’m ill and I need to feel better.  Just getting out of bed is the hardest thing to do at the moment. I am up though.

I found this band a few days ago called ‘Laboratorium Piesni’ and they are amazing. Their music is so tranquil and that’s helped me so far. I’ve lit incense, opened my blinds and I’ve un-littered my room. I think just doing that helps a lot. The moment I woke up I started to try and do essay work. I have 5 assignments due after Christmas and I go home next week. Just the thought of writing 10,000 words over Christmas is frightening as well as all of the reading I’ve got. However, I realise that I don’t work like others may. I can’t do all-nighters. I’ve had trouble waking up so I need a very early night. I’ve been using Facebook unconsciously as escapism and that’s getting in the way of my time. Time to say good bye to the app. Last year I realised that the only way I could focus was to focus on myself first. When I worry and panic, I forget this. I forget everything, quite literally. And it is fricken scary.

I’m writing this post to banish the bad stuff from my head and hopefully free it so that I can focus on essay things. Tonight I’ve got a presentation on what Paganism is. It’s really important and I need to get better for that. Wicca is my passion and it’s saved my life once before. It’s important that other people understand just what Paganism is. It’s not about converting people, it’s the religious education that you weren’t taught in school. I don’t want my future in-laws to worry about me wanting to share a Pagan style wedding or any of the other rites of passage with my boyfriend. I made a joke about just telling everyone I’m Buddhist. Much less stigma to deal with on that front.

Anyway, the society is going well. We held a stall at the faith fayre last week and it looked smashing. That’s the picture for this post. We made quite a bit of money altogether and it was great to meet people from the other faiths. I’ve also begun with a project of connecting pagans across different universities and colleges. It has certainly been interesting! See, feeling much better now! After this I’m going to get some toaster waffles. After yesterdays appointment I walked home and but my knees felt like jelly and I felt ridiculous so I decided to treat myself to nice ‘breakfast’ although it’s a bit late for breakfast now… Anyway, I think that’s just about everything I wanted to articulate. Keeping calm and not losing my head is going to be the hardest part for me over this next month or so but I think, with the right support, I can do it.

 

Thank you so much to those that come and keep up with the news, hope it’s been interesting for you! Blessed be everyone, and be blessed x

The Description Of A Cloudy Mind

Fog fills the tunnels,
of this empty mind,
where time has no place,
and people lack face.
Here, time is still,
yet things move so fast,
or they don’t move at all.

These rhythmless cogs,
turn doesil,
whilst images quickly fade,
in my fragile mind.
One drop and I’m gone.

Gone, gone, gone.
Where has time gone?
Where have you gone?
Who else will go?

Let it be known:

That I am not strong;
I am of fearful heart,
terrorised by the same nightmares,
the nightmares of a broken child,
but it must be told:

that time has no right here;
days blur to weeks,
weeks blur to months,
months to years;
yesterday can feel like yesteryear,
and yesteryear only yesterday.

That speculation creep the corners,
of my panicked temperament,
raptures any sense of relaxation,
and eliminates the carefree.

That I do natter;
I moan and I cackle,
my heart is as fragile,
as an elder held shackled.

That my soul is cracked on through;
it’s wrecked my head, and my heart too,
it wrecks havoc with my perception,
leaves me open to sorry correction.

I don’t know where I am.
I don’t know where I’m going.
I fall from place to place;
I fall from time to time;
I hold on to every place;
as I fall through the empty space,
that is this clouded mind.

Reading Gives You Wings

I used to hate reading. What would possess person to waste all their precious time staring at empty words on a page? It was a boring, rewardless, time consuming punishment. Then I found it. The spark. I felt it change me; my mind expanded, my boundaries became endless. Each book I picked up was unknown territory I had to explore. I became an adventurer. I fell in love with vampires and werewolves, fought demons and dragons, time travelled and ventured to faraway lands.

Reading became my escape hatch. It’s the pair of wings I’ve spent my life pining for. Why had I not found this love sooner? Books are my dear friend now, my secret. They take me away. They make me laugh, make me cry; make me throw them at walls in anger. They make me smile, make me scream and make me fall in love all over. In them, I found my passion; my identity, within the pages along with so many lives I long to live.

It’s not a chore anymore. It’s a gift. Reading is one of the greatest gifts. Sometimes, I wish my sisters could feel this way about books. I wish they could see the magic that the authors of my favourite novels and poems have created. I wish they could feel the same release I do from this ‘boring, rewardless, time consuming punishment’, because then they could get away like I can. They could be anything they wanted to be. They could be free.

Reading is just a part of me now. Without this opportunity for imagination, you see, i imagine it to be like missing an organ or a limb. Too many take the skill for granted and don’t put it to proper use and it’s sad, really because one day I hope to be on the other end. I hope to be the one producing escape hatches and wings. I hope to make people feel for the characters like it’s all real. I hope to help people find their passion. I want to give people the gift like Lauren Kate, Cassandra Clare and Margaret Stohl & Kami Garcia gave me.

And So…

And so,
as all good endings should go,
God gave the brave man his final moments.
He reached out his hand with a tragic purpose,
to his ember among ashes.

“Every bird flies away,
but they never forget who came to stay.
My lover, my sweetheart,
you gave this mangled life new meaning.”
And so, his spirit became one with the trees,
the flowers, the walls, and the seas,
of which carried this beautiful boy.

And so,
As most endings do go,
The young man had made his choice.
In his broken down chariot,
in the light of a new day,
he broke the heart of the only girl,
that could ever love him,
that could ever know him,
that would ever see who he could really be.

“This is not love, dear Juliet,
because your Romeo is all in your head.
I am the unfurled wings of a majestic bird,
i am the leader of a wild herd.”
And so, with no regret,
he drove away down the dusty old road
crushing every seed that he had sowed.

And so,
as the big debate does go,
is there really an easier reason to let go?
Whether your love is pulled away,
or your love leaves by choice;
there is an inevitable end for us all.

And so.

Carpe Diem

Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy;
Going crazy, crazy, crazy;
As my heart beats too fast,
And my face sets ablaze.

His hand takes mine.
They fit in a way,
That I always thought they could,
I always knew they would.

I should not think like this,
The past should remain the past
But how could I be expected,
To refuse this offer so fast?

This doesn’t make sense-
Why me?
Why now?
My head runs around,
Doing cartwheels about town.
Am I ready for this?

“Seize the moment,” he whispers to me,
As he holds me tight,
But I still feel free,
“Carpe Diem, my fair Jenny,”
As he softly and slowly kisses me.