The Maths Of Feeling Lonely

I read The Age of Loneliness by An Author’s Life, and this is supposed to be a bit different but aware of the mentioned text. I don’t know how to mould the content so I’ll just have to see where it takes me.

So, unsurprisingly this is today’s topic because I woke up feeling lonely today. I’d spent this weekend staying with one of my best mates from home who attends Plymouth University. There were laughs and there were tears. All in all, it was a great weekend. I find loneliness one of the most frustrating feelings of all though. I wake up without George (the fiancé) every morning and it’s lonely. I go about my morning, getting ready and doing work by myself. That get’s pretty lonely too. The afternoon progresses, I might see people on campus. I might get a phone call from George, I might actually have social plans formed and yet, but that point, in can be pretty hard to know when to turn that switch off.

And I know, it’s not just me. This weekend alone, I realised that a lot of people around me feel it too. Being around people can be a distraction but when the distraction is over, you are left with yourself and for some people, that can be pretty damn scary. Some people say that the outside world is scary but I believe that our own minds are even scarier. At the end of it all, you are born alone and you die alone. There’s one voice alone in your head. It’s the internal that can be most dangerous.

View loneliness as a warning bell.

When you feel so sad that you can’t do anything and the silence gets too much, and the lack of company gets too much, it’s time to go find some. That’s not always something you can do, like me waking up alone in the morning. That’s something I have to endure until George visits again. But there are times when you can do it. If you’re at home, watching stuff or playing games, whatever it is, go and seek out those you live with. Parents get taken far too easily for granted. They are there to help you and they’d probably tell you you were being silly if they saw you choosing to remain alone when you are feeling lonely. Being around people doesn’t always help satisfy it, but it certainly can help. Especially when they are people that you are close with and trust. If they aren’t, then perhaps don’t bother with them.

last supper

The issue with loneliness is that it comes in so many forms. Moving away, losing a partner, losing friends, being overloaded with work, losing a pet, and there are probably  loads more. Loss in general is enough to trigger loneliness, whether someone walks away or is taken from you, a hole, no matter how big or small, will open up in your life. Equally, other big events can make you feel lonely as you’re having to replace sociality with whatever is currently consuming your time. Social media and virtual experiences of people, aren’t enough to satisfy the need for actual human contact. 

I was going to call this ‘The Art Of Feeling Lonely’ However, loneliness isn’t like over thinking. It’s not something that takes you to places, regardless of if you want to go there. Loneliness just happens. It’s not tied to age or experience. At the age 6 I felt lonely. At the age of 15 I felt lonely, and now, nearly 21, I feel lonely. I’m dead sure that it won’t be the last time that I feel lonely either. So, I’ll call it an equation of maths instead, where loneliness is a feeling of subtraction in your life. Something has been taken away which has made you feel this void. It might even not be something you’re aware of. The subtracted could be you. Before this feeling, you may have enjoyed being alone. It’s something that many people are good at; but then something happens inside yourself and you realise that you don’t enjoy your own company any more. It happens.

The thing with maths, is that you can add things to your sum. When you feel something has been subtracted, add something, or someone. Experiment. The numbers you add don’t have to be huge, or daring. They don’t have to feel like a leap. There’s no point in over compensating. Do the maths that you can do and the loneliness should take care of it’s self.

Thanks for reading everyone (: See you soon xx



My Thoughts Today

Being alive is hard. Have you ever thought about that? The hardships one faces just by breathing? You’re brought into a world with no idea of who or what you are. It takes years, for some a lifetime, to figure out themselves out. You’ve got to give yourself food, drink, exercise, sleep; you’ve got to work, relax, socialise, learn. You’ve got to follow laws and for most, at least basic norms. For many, you’ve got to appease friends, relatives, colleagues, partners. You’ve got look after yourself and others when just looking after yourself is a challenge. And it is a challenge, let’s face it. Everyone has days when they need to haul themselves out of bed and force themselves to look in the mirror. Not only have we got to live, but we have to survive. Not all of us are adept at surviving. I find the idea of survival an odd one. Survival should be natural to all of us, and yet I often lack the motivation to feed myself and give myself water whenever I’m hungry or thirsty. In fact, it’s not always a motivational thing, but more often one of forgetfulness. Humans need water to survive? Oh yeah… 

It is so easy to stress about the ‘big things’ in life that we forget about the smaller things that we need to keep us going and yet these things are big things. Very big things. Life and society has a panicking about things that, in the long haul, don’t even matter. When you look back at the end of your life you should, firstly, be proud that you made it so far. In this world, you’re not guaranteed a long life. You’re not guaranteed a life at all. You have to get go and get it. Being in good health, and remembering to survive is the first step to being alive. These are things that so many take for granted. There are people that have to survive on a lot less and yet, no matter where we are, who we are, survival is still something many of us find difficult.

If you’ve found the motivation or the time to read this short article, I’d like to say thank you and congratulations. Being alive can be pretty shit, let me level. We’re small, single creatures on a huge planet in the middle of a huge universe and yet, our problems can seem like all there is. But there’s so much more! There are others around you, that are just like you, taking on the daily grind. There are places to see, people to meet, things to do all around you. And I know, it’s overwhelming when you think about it. But sometimes you need to spread your wings, and sometimes you need an anchor to stop you floating off into space.

I don’t have any advice: no 101 for this, no tips, no help, just understanding and sympathy. I can’t even think of the word I want to use and apparently, Urban Dictionary doesn’t know it either so I guess it’s not important right now. But yeah, I know the struggles and I was just thinking about them because, I’m having a solemn kind of day and my mind works more than it should when I actually have time to relax and do my own stuff, but hey, guess it’s a survival kind of thing. Can’t complain.

See you later guys! (: xx


Why I won’t accept ‘You’ve lost weight’ as a compliment

Weight has never been an issue with me. I like myself the way I am and I’m comfortable. Sure, I get periods of insecurity but I think it’s generally agreed that all women, in fact, all people, that we suffer lapses of self judgement. We are, at times, our own enemies, our harshest critics, but we can also be our own best friends and at  times, we are all we can rely on. So, growing up, I never wanted to be anyone else, physically. Mentally, as some of you may know, I’ve wanted nothing better than to trade minds with someone else that seems more stable, more like they’ve got their shit together and figured out.

Yet, I’ve nearly always held my physical appearance in high regard. I try to eat well, balanced, and I like to keep myself on the go. I go through periods where I may not eat much, out of stress, or eat more than I normally would, out of stress; and I may not do as much exercise, due to work as I find it stressful, or I may do lots more exercise because I’m trying to procrastinate against feeling stressed. This leads to a kind of yoyo effect in weight. The changes aren’t usually that great, up to half a stone recently but it’s enough for people to notice. I don’t usually notice a difference in appearance, except for what the scales say. What I do notice, is how I feel. Sometimes, when I’ve put a couple pounds on, I’m really really happy and nothing could get me down. Recently, I’ve been fucking miserable and I’ve lost quite a few.

People don’t think about this though and it’s frustrating. It’s my understanding that when someone makes the comment of ‘You’ve put on weight’ that it’s meant negatively and they are insulting you. Likewise, the moment someone says ‘You’ve lost weight’ they are being positive, or trying to be, and are trying to pay you a compliment. I’m having trouble processing this right now, because I can be feeling most confident about myself, when someone has the nerve to pull out the ‘You’ve put on weight’ card to knock you down. And it does knock you down because what it feels like they’re really saying is ‘You look fat and ugly today’. Fat, for some reason in this society, seems to correlate with ugly. And God forbid anyone on this planet should be deemed ugly! What would a person have left? Their intelligence? Personality? Strength and speed? Kindness? Skills and talents? Let’s hope that no one should be afforded a compliment based on these merits! Let’s instead compliment someone’s ability at losing some of their body. What frame of mind they’re in doesn’t matter, they must be happy if they’ve lost some weight! And likewise, they must be miserable if they’ve put some on because who could be happy when they’re fat and ugly?

It makes me feel sad when I hear people base their worth out of how much body mass they, or a person that they are looking at, has. There is much more to a person than their appearance. There is so much more that one could compliment, or criticise. A person’s appearance is temporary. It is never fixed because it can not be. It is dependent on the individual’s internal processes and the environment in which they live. These things change. You will change. Why is such importance based on something that, in this life, in this world, does not really matter. How many people, in history, are remembered for being slim? For being big? For being ugly? Beautiful? History does not care. Why do we?

I’ve been brewing this one for a while. It makes me feel sad when I hear the ones I love worry about their weight and how they COULD look in the future. We do not live in the future, we live in the present. Of course, look after yourself today and you SHOULD feel better for it tomorrow but what is the point in wasting your life, focusing on something that, for some, is unlikely to ever happen. I find that the people most conscious about weight, their own and that of others,  are those that really have nothing about getting fat to worry about (underweight-lower healthy weight) and may not ever have anything to worry about. For some people putting on weight is impossible, a challenge. And for others, it can be easy, a challenge not to.

It’s a hard frame of mind, I’m sure, to break out of, judging the worth of yourself and others based on the size, weight and shape of a person’s body and I feel a degree of sorriness to those that feel that they have to criticise, or turn to something meaningless and temporary to compliment or insult. How about instead complimenting the size of their smile? Their healthy habits when you see them? The things they’re good at? Things that matter? This is why I can only take judgements and comments about weight as an insult. The person clearly doesn’t know me well enough to make a comment about something that actually matters.

I get that loved ones can be worried about health which is linked to weight. That’s understandable. A person can’t love you if they don’t worry about you from time to time. HOWEVER, My bones aren’t popping out everywhere. See this as a sign that I am eating well. Compliment that, if you’re really struggling. I can move freely. I can breathe. I can run fast, if my life depends on it. I have no disabilities due to obesity. Compliment my ability to live.

I had this conversation (kind of) with a loved one recently. It was a touchy conversation but after some thought I realised that this was all I wanted to say. I’m not upset about someone worrying about my health. I’m in a bit of a pickle, mentally. But, a person IS going to be aware of their health. Only they know what they are eating (or not). Only they know how much exercise they are doing (or not). If a person is in a deep state of denial, then maybe a doctor should be involved. However, generally, a person knows their own truths. If you’re worried about someone ask them subtly. ‘Do you want to go for a run with me tonight?’ or ‘Prawn pasta salad for dinner?’ is much nicer than saying: ‘You’ve put on weight.’ This is a tip for those reading that know that this applies to them. I hope this helps you. Making a comment isn’t going to make a person more determined. If you love them, you’ve got to get involved with them. Complimenting their soul will make them feel so much better than complimenting the outer shell that’s only going to die in a few years any way.

Cheers guys, thanks for reading. I hope this has helped. It feels good getting crap off my chest. x




Fear is the faceless man
at the back of the room
that knows me too well.

Fear is the creeping cold
that you can’t escape,
and hits you like fate.

Fear is a darkened room
with no hope of light,
and no chance of sight.

Fear is a quiet noise,
the white noise,
that deafens.

Fear is the broken cord
of a wasted life
filled with pure strife.

Fear is the uncried tears
of a lonely girl
whose wings won’t unfurl.

Fear is the building of phobias
that clutch you,
with grubby claws
and claim you as their own.

How Does Love Come To Be?

Sitting on my grandfathers knee,
I asked him how love came to be.
I just couldn’t understand how you could fall
down to its’ beckoned call.

My grandfather laughed at my foolishness,
when all I could think was: love is a mess!
What kind of girl needs to be saved
by a silly boy that pretends to be brave?

All my grandmother could do was wince.
“Your grandfather was my handsome prince!
My dear, my dear, can’t you see?
Your grandfather was the one that saved me!”

I had heard the story a million times;
I had heard all the lines.
My grandfather, the soldier,
fresh from war,
came running back through my grandmothers door.

Forced to marry a snivelling worm,
my grandfather made his offer firm.
He took my grandmother far away,
but my grandfather wasn’t allowed to stay.

But he fought and he fought;
he wouldn’t let them get caught
by their terrible parents whose approval they sought.

“Yes, grandmother, I do understand,
how my grandfather is an amazing man,
but I do not hope to find
a man who will change my mind.”

The grandmother looked down at her little granddaughter,
eager to see where her story had brought her.
She remained insistent throughout the years,
until the little granddaughter out grew her fears.

Sitting next to her grandfather now,
her back against cold stone.
“Grandfather I see now how love comes to be.
I just wish you were still around to finally see
the incredible man that came to save me.”


Unwitting children follow

Unknowing elders that

Have lost their faith in meaning

Have lost their faith in fate.

Today is just another day

Of an endless cycle of days

Where the moon cannot fathom

Just how long a life will spin.

The unwitting chidren beg

For an infinity of tomorrows

and cry for their poor adulthood

Which they surely will meet?

Today is just another day

Be it bad of good

Because the sun will not fathom

Just how long a day you have.

(Inspired by the Allison Hallett workshop.)

Greeting Death

He looks at me with charcoal eyes

As I take his hand,

But my eyes will not divert from his midnight suit

Void of hopeful stars.

I smell the stench of winter, of sadness, of lost time

As it plagues this sorry room, full of sorry souls.

Everyone looks foul here as their say their final goodbye

To their father, their neighbourly foe, their friend.

I feel the pain of a broken cloud and I feel every drop spilt

From all other misty charcoals

And their battered lashed disdained

From this mutual ordeal of loss.

He was too bold, too bright, too young

His tale was still unsung

Whilst the people he left behind lay broken

In a field of fluorescent darkness

I close my eyes to it, as death enchants another soul.

(Inspired by the Allison Hallett workshop.)

How Far Does Body Positivity Go?

Ok. I’m going to start with an anecdote of what happened yesterday. So, today I am sat up with my feet up after walking all day in the most uncomfortable boots ever and giving myself a number of blisters. Silly me. While I was in town with my friend I went into The Works, the discount book shop, which just so happens to be one of my favourite shops in town. I walked past a woman that was so heavy that she could not walk and had to use crutches. I could hear her struggling to breathe from the other side of the store. I felt so sorry for how she had let her body go like that. Suddenly, I started to realise where the ‘fat shamers’ were coming from. I understood their argument. I don’t agree with how they come across, but I did understand, perhaps, a need for it. I watched a very good video the other day from a YouTuber that I’m not particularly a big fan of. I’ll leave the link to it below so that you can watch it.

My stomach, at the most unflattering angle possible, on a day when I felt hideous.
My stomach, at the most unflattering angle possible, on a day when I felt hideous.

‘Fat Shaming’ has become this big thing that has risen along side the body positive and plus size appreciation revolution. This has been seen as a form of cyber bullying and many YouTubers, including the infamous ‘Nicole Arbour’ has made videos trying to make bigger men and women to feel bad. There have also been a lot of videos made to shame the ‘Fat Shamers’. This is where I find OnisonSpeaks, the YouTuber I aforementioned earlier on to hit the nail on the head. There is nothing wrong with being body positive. I am a body positive advocate and I try very hard not to offend any body shape or size, because I would not like anyone to slag off my body shape of size. It’s as simple as that. Nobody is perfect and if you’re going to make fun of a certain group of people then you’d have to expect it back. I’m still waiting on a video parodying and insulting Nicole Arbour, because, let’s face it, she does deserve it. On the other hand, who would want to sink to her level? I wouldn’t. After watching a lovely Loey Lane video called ‘Fat People Can’t Be Body Positive’ that commented on the infamous video, She refused to name the perpetrator and asked her subscribers not to even give her the time of day and I found this to be very wise advice. I did watch her video, but through another YouTuber reviewing it, because Loey was right. She really doesn’t deserve the ‘fame’.

My friend on a day when she, herself, felt most horrible about herself.
My friend on a day when she felt most horrible about her body.

The issue is that beauty is subjective. People that say one body type is more beautiful over the other is just stating their opinion. Lots of people will say things like ‘all bodies are beautiful’. Yes, all bodies are beautiful in their own way because they hold life. They hold consciousness. That is something to be respected. However, everyone will have their preferences in the physical attributes of their partner, and sometimes, even just friends. This is where ideas of natural selection and sexual selection take place. Every species on this planet has their own idea of what is attractive and what is not. People, as a species, has a very large pool to choose from. Some people for more comfortable looking as bigger people, others feel more comfortable looking at smaller people. Some hate both and prefer to be on their own. Some like everyone and don’t have one particular preference. None of these are bad. We are individuals. We have preferences. We have opinions. Is it ok to be shallow? No, but are people going to be? Yes, because for some reason, that’s how the world works right now.

Going back to my original anecdote though raises the question, is there a point at which body positivity becomes dangerous? Is there a point where it actually becomes body negative? I think that it has to start with feeling good about yourself. Nothing good comes from bad thoughts. What I see a lot from the comments over YouTube at body positive figures is that they don’t exercise or they eat too much and that, due to their size and shape, they are promoting an unhealthy lifestyle purely based on how they look. I think that’s just silly. You can’t assume you know how someone lives based on their size and shape. My sister is half my size and just last weekend she ate three takeaways. Lillian Bustle did a Tedx Talk called ‘Stripping Away Negative Body Image’ and talked about how women, particularly plus size women should get into Burlesque dancing. Lots of people commented about how she, as a bigger woman, was promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. Yet her whole video was about encouraging women to embrace this exercise and gain confidence. I thought it was great and a great place to start getting bigger women into exercise and a healthy routine, yet there were people calling her lazy and, in my eyes, just trolling her. I thought it was ridiculous. If a big, influential woman started promoting an unhealthy lifestyle, encouraging people to eat junk food all the time and do no exercise; there would be outrage, and no one would follow that person. That’s not being body positive. That’s ruining yourself. However, if a small, influential woman did the same, I don’t think it would be such a big thing and I think it would actually become fashionable. Of course, you’d always get the crazy people that will make comments online, often about how converting to veganism will save their life. The thing is though, that’s not what’s happening. These women are trying to live a healthy a lifestyle as they can. They are aware of the health implications of obesity. I have a lot of respect for the work these women do.

Something I saw on Tumblr the other day said that ‘can we stop making obesity a thing, it’s not real’ or something to that effect. Unfortunately, it is real. It’s not something that can be ignored. I heard it’s heavy breathing yesterday in my favourite book store. Health is a thing. No, we don’t have a right to insult someone or put across a lousy opinion that will hurt another’s feelings. I would never have gone up to that woman and insulted her the way someone people insult big women on the internet. It’s heinous. People are aware of their own circumstances. Of course though, I was worried about her health, because the woman did look like she was ready to collapse and I really hope that she’s able to turn things around for herself. Was I going to tell her any of that though? Of course not. You keep you opinions to yourself because they aren’t necessary. If people acted online the way they would in real life, maybe the internet would be a nicer place.

I hope that this article gets read. You don’t need to be obsessing over your health, but you can’t pretend that it doesn’t exist either. Neither is healthy and neither is going to make you feel better inside. Big or small, fat or skinny, curvy or straight, you will be attractive to someone. Ignore the haters and just concentrate on your happiness and your health will follow. Stay safe guys, see you soon x

All videos can be found in the ‘LoveYourFigure’ playlist on YouTube. Links are:

  • OnisonSpeaks, ‘Is fat Shaming Bad + Which Women Are Fat?’
  • Loey Lane ‘Fat People Can’t Be Positive’
  • Lillian Bustle ‘Stripping Away Negative Body Image’
  • Ozzy Man Reviews ‘Ozzy Man Reviews: Dear Fat People’ (For anyone that didn’t see THAT video)

Refugees? Immigrants? What do we do?

Ash-sha`b yurid isqat an-nizam

Bit of a deep article this evening on a touchy matter. The current refugee situation caused by the Syrian civil war needs to be addressed and acted upon. I have heard so many different arguments about what we, the United Kingdom should do. This article is going to look into these different suggestions and ideas. It’s going to explore the facts and the figures and hopefully get down to business.

This war has been going on for about four years now. The Middle East has been a mess for longer than this, as each country has it’s own revolution, just as we in the West have. The people are rising up against their repressive regimes that the Islamist State (their non-democratic, dictatorship) have enforced and are seeking truth and freedom. Everyone should have a right to democracy. When this war first broke out, I like many other people, I’m sure, was ignorant. I had no idea where Syria even was and I’d even got it confused with the small Eastern European country of Serbia. I read many of the tabloids to try and gain an understanding of what was happening but my knowledge was still minimal. Many that have an opinion on this matter seem to lack facts of some sort. Syria lies between Turkey and Iraq.


As I read about this, there is so much more to the story than the average Tom, Dick or Harry is taught about. Iraq, due to owning most of the oil industry in Syria has helped to fuel the fire and have established themselves as being against the people rising up. They brought over their ‘ISIL’ Islamist State of Iraq and Levant’, which developed into what we know as ‘ISIS’ the Islamist State of Iraq and Syria. ISIS are the tyrants that are trying to run their country against the peoples will. ISIS also have presence over in other North African and South Asian countries. This is a group that, in it’s early days, pledged allegiance to Al-Qaeda. What people fail to realise is that these groups are only the extreme side of Islam that the media use to make good stories out of. It incites hatred in to the hearts of the average reader or viewer. We are not extremists. We don’t need that kind of hatred in this world and I’d kindly remind people of that. These groups are going through what Christians had around five hundred years ago. Difference is that the Christians didn’t have the internet, good transportation links, or the serious weaponry we have today. What we need to think about when we think of the war and ISIS is the Free Syrian Army and the Muslims that are fighting to put ISIS on their asses. Civility is lost there. It was only a matter of time before Europe had a large amount of refugees knocking on it’s door. They’ve struggled to go elsewhere, considering that ISIS are still very much influential in it’s neighbouring countries.

You don’t have to be reminded of how many Civilians have died in this war already, since 2011. More than 4 million have fled. In 2013 it’s recorded population was more than 22 million. These millions of people need somewhere to go. The issue is, where? I’ve heard many say that we, The United Kingdom, need to open are gates, particularly after the Calais incident. We need to show compassion and empathy. There is no place in this world for the heartless.  I’ve also heard many people retaliate about how we should be helping our own out before we can help others. Then I’ve heard other points such as where will we find the room, the money? We already have an immigration problem. I’ve heard people suspect the refugees. What if there are terrorists hiding amongst the civilians looking for solace? I’ve heard all kind of suggestions as well. Why not build villages on our green belts for the refugees? It’s unused land after all. Why not buy an island for the refugees to live on and work? Why can’t other countries take them in?

The main problems the West have are greed, corruption and a lack of good decision making. Because peoples opinions and decisions are subjective. This is where democracy can be a bit of a nightmare because there are so many different options that the UK could take. I do, whole heartedly, believe we should help these people. We can’t leave them all to die. They are fighting a worthy cause. How we help these people is the real question. This is where the worlds, or at leasts Europe’s leaders, should be getting together. The UK, on it’s own, can not decide this. We can not put the world on our shoulders. We are, after all, one small island. Yes, we are one of the wealthiest in the world, but we don’t have our shit all figured out yet. Yet, if Greece, for example, a country wriggled with debt, can accept refugees, then so can we. No, I’m not saying that we can take them all. I’m not completely away with the faeries.


Their situation will have to be monitored. We won’t be able to keep them here after their war is over. Which is what I think some of you are worried about. I too, have been thinking about this. Taking in refugees is meant to be a short term situation. You take them in, look after them, then let them go home. It’s not unheard of, however, of refugees wanting to stay. In Yeovil, we have had that very situation of two brothers not wanting to go back to their country and a large petition was signed to keep them. The problem with that would be, at what stage do we say no? At what stage do we shut our gates for good and not take in any more immigrants? Because refugees wanting to stay in the UK would be a problem for immigrancy. People complain about immigrancy but countries need it. The UK has benefited so much from the migration of people. Most of my best friends have come over from different countries and I am so glad that they have because I would be so very lonely with out them. Think of how much different your local foreign cuisines would be, for example, if English people ran them? Think of all the crap the immigrants put up with in terms of claiming the lowly jobs that no one wants and racism, particularly from groups such as Britain First- barely a step up from ISIS in ideology.

I don’t have all the answers and I can’t claim I do. I’m not a politician, I’m not an activist. I got most of my facts from Wikipedia. I hope that from reading this article, you too will go and seek the facts. You’ll knowledge up. You’ll help to answer the questions, instead of ask them. As a country, we need to come together to find the solution, whether that means sharing our homes with the Syrian refugees, sending them aid, helping them to find a temporary solace elsewhere. As a human being to other human beings, you have a moral obligation. This situation is bigger than any individual but there are enough of us to make a difference and each one of you counts.

Thanks for reading guys, I hope this is made you think about the world and the people in it and I hope this helps to influence an action. You have the power to change the world. Don’t forget that. See you soon x

These Warm Bodies

i know what youre thinking i am dead

i arrived past breaking almost broken beyond

how difficult is it to make a sandwich well ive learned to live with it


a hungover chef with no appetite

no life

you cook the bacon i linger


i am dead inserted in the earth like slices of bread

the rain was like sauce to my burial

i remember that day

my only illiterate memory since i hold no language no more

the soil that held me holds no more

i lack which attributes make a person

yet i am here

longing for this hunger to be filled

theres little doubt that i want to eat you

it wouldnt be hard

yet i have want to doubt

i should not wish to doubt

i should not wish at all

desire is is a sign of consciousness

i am dead

i am dead

i am dead

i repeat this until i cant see your through my rotted dirty eyes

yet i can still smell your fresh flesh singing in the air i do not breathe


it calls out to me begging for my teeth

begging for death

my stomach invisibly growls stop

i did not want to walk the earth again

i do not want to

i am dead

simplicity of execution should justify this meal

breathe her in follow your rotten gut

its not so bad i know that

i dont have a need for morals now

but i wish i did

i want to ask for your name

i want to ask for the veins in your neck your heart your brain

im a juxtaposition i know

i shouldnt know and i know that

your voice makes my heart want to beat

but i know mine would stop yours so i just linger here

hoping to either eat you or date you like a person

not a dirty broken creature as i