The Maths Of Feeling Lonely

I read The Age of Loneliness by An Author’s Life, and this is supposed to be a bit different but aware of the mentioned text. I don’t know how to mould the content so I’ll just have to see where it takes me.

So, unsurprisingly this is today’s topic because I woke up feeling lonely today. I’d spent this weekend staying with one of my best mates from home who attends Plymouth University. There were laughs and there were tears. All in all, it was a great weekend. I find loneliness one of the most frustrating feelings of all though. I wake up without George (the fiancé) every morning and it’s lonely. I go about my morning, getting ready and doing work by myself. That get’s pretty lonely too. The afternoon progresses, I might see people on campus. I might get a phone call from George, I might actually have social plans formed and yet, but that point, in can be pretty hard to know when to turn that switch off.

And I know, it’s not just me. This weekend alone, I realised that a lot of people around me feel it too. Being around people can be a distraction but when the distraction is over, you are left with yourself and for some people, that can be pretty damn scary. Some people say that the outside world is scary but I believe that our own minds are even scarier. At the end of it all, you are born alone and you die alone. There’s one voice alone in your head. It’s the internal that can be most dangerous.

View loneliness as a warning bell.

When you feel so sad that you can’t do anything and the silence gets too much, and the lack of company gets too much, it’s time to go find some. That’s not always something you can do, like me waking up alone in the morning. That’s something I have to endure until George visits again. But there are times when you can do it. If you’re at home, watching stuff or playing games, whatever it is, go and seek out those you live with. Parents get taken far too easily for granted. They are there to help you and they’d probably tell you you were being silly if they saw you choosing to remain alone when you are feeling lonely. Being around people doesn’t always help satisfy it, but it certainly can help. Especially when they are people that you are close with and trust. If they aren’t, then perhaps don’t bother with them.

last supper

The issue with loneliness is that it comes in so many forms. Moving away, losing a partner, losing friends, being overloaded with work, losing a pet, and there are probably  loads more. Loss in general is enough to trigger loneliness, whether someone walks away or is taken from you, a hole, no matter how big or small, will open up in your life. Equally, other big events can make you feel lonely as you’re having to replace sociality with whatever is currently consuming your time. Social media and virtual experiences of people, aren’t enough to satisfy the need for actual human contact. 

I was going to call this ‘The Art Of Feeling Lonely’ However, loneliness isn’t like over thinking. It’s not something that takes you to places, regardless of if you want to go there. Loneliness just happens. It’s not tied to age or experience. At the age 6 I felt lonely. At the age of 15 I felt lonely, and now, nearly 21, I feel lonely. I’m dead sure that it won’t be the last time that I feel lonely either. So, I’ll call it an equation of maths instead, where loneliness is a feeling of subtraction in your life. Something has been taken away which has made you feel this void. It might even not be something you’re aware of. The subtracted could be you. Before this feeling, you may have enjoyed being alone. It’s something that many people are good at; but then something happens inside yourself and you realise that you don’t enjoy your own company any more. It happens.

The thing with maths, is that you can add things to your sum. When you feel something has been subtracted, add something, or someone. Experiment. The numbers you add don’t have to be huge, or daring. They don’t have to feel like a leap. There’s no point in over compensating. Do the maths that you can do and the loneliness should take care of it’s self.

Thanks for reading everyone (: See you soon xx

 

Quick, Little Soldier!

Screaming and crying,

And yelling, no dying,

It happens every night.

 

Quick,

Escape into the magic wall

That only I can see.

I have to hide, you see,

So Daddy’s temper doesn’t catch up with me.

 

I should be there to fight,

There to help,

But this little soldiers scared,

Because I’m no little soldier;

So why is my house a war zone?

 

Quick-

Don’t wake him!

Creep and be still,

Otherwise the consequences will surely be real.

 

I don’t like Daddy,

When he is like this;

I wish he could be sent into an abyss,

Because then everyone would be happy,

Perhaps, even Mummy.

 

Because I see the tears form in her eyes,

I see the pain she tries to hide,

I see the silent prayers are sung,

As Daddy threatens to have her neck rung.

 

Then Doggy howls,

He knows what this is.

But Daddy doesn’t like Doggy

Everybody knows,

The monster yanks his tail,

Like a teatowel, all soggy.

 

“No Daddy, no!”

Voice no longer contained

No longer am I able to keep this at bay.

Poor Doggy screams,

His masters a brute.

Oh God, no,

Not me,

Not next.

 

“Please Daddy, no!”

Then everything blurs.

The floor gently greets me

As worried voices stir.

 

When will this be over?

When can I be sent home?

Home Is Where The Heart Is, So They Say

Heyo, so it’s approaching that time of year when students start panicking about where they’re going to move over the summer. After already moving several times since coming to university last year, I hoped to settle down here. I found a house I like. It’s not dirty of messy like the last one. I’ve got nice house mates unlike the first one. I have lots of space, George can come over whenever he’s able to, and it just feels perfect. However, I’ve been told I’m going to have to leave because the landlords have given my house to another group. I hoped it wouldn’t come to this because I was told current tenants would get priority. I’m a current tenant and I didn’t not get priority. So it looks like, what’s left of us, will be looking for a new house. I’m a little bit peeved, I know how manky and tiny students houses can be. I’ve looked round enough of them. I’ve come to the conclusion, from the three landlords I’ve had now, that none of them are any good.

If you are a fellow student I have some advice for you:

Make sure you know what you’re mates are like before you move in with them. If you’re like me, messy but considerate, it will drive you insane if one of your group leaves your communal areas in a mess frequently. At my previous house, this drove me insane. because it was all the time. It’s not so bad every now and again but living in a mess all the time is a nightmare. How are you supposed to organise your work if you can’t even organise your kitchen? If you’re unlike me, and doesn’t understand how to use a bit of Fairy and a sponge, I suggest you learn how before you get slaughtered, or alternatively, if you’ve got one, use a dishwasher. But, make sure you rinse stuff off first. My house mates and I found out far too late. I don’t want you to be susceptible to the same fate as ours.

Mould is a problem I didn’t even realise existed. I mean, in my last house, don’t get my wrong, my windows were grotty as hell when I first moved in, but I didn’t realise walls got it too, until this house. If that’s a problem you’ve got, I suggest a few things: First, wipe it all off with an old flannel and some Dettol Mould spray. That works pretty well for any new mould However, it will take some of the paint off of the walls, but that’s your landlords problem, not yours, hopefully. Secondly, when you have the heating on, unfortunately, you will need to open the windows a little. You’ve got damp problem and you need to heat that water up and waft it out of your house.

Food can be expensive and 99% of the time, I bet you can’t even be bothered to cook. You’re tired, you’ve been working hard (or not) and cooking isn’t even in your vocabulary. Nor is food shopping. But guys, you’ve gotta eat! If you’ve not thought of it, try doing a house shop. Each chip in £5-10 a week. And do house meals, that way, you’ve got at least half the week where you’re going to be eating something good for you. Neither of my two previous houses did this. Well, the first one did, with my other house mate, but not with me and the second well, the living arrangements were as messy as our kitchen! In this house however, we did this and it was cool. it was nice to get to experiment and you got to try new things. Like, I’d never eaten lemon chicken before and my house mate’s was weird and delicious and while I didn’t like it, I really did and I wanted to stop eating it but I couldn’t… you get the picture? Keeping a house together is about team work. Your house mates need to be people you can depend on, work with and have fun with, of course.

I think that’s all of my student housing advice for now. I next want to talk about home. Home can be really subjective. When I say home, I can be talking about 5 different houses and yet none of them are really my ‘home’. My uni house can’t be considered home because I’m getting kicked out of it in 5 months. It’s a temporary solution. Home is something permanent. When I go back to Yeovil, I stay with my fiancé and we move between his mums and dads houses. Neither of these feel like home either, because like my uni house, they are temporary. I move between the two regularly and then I’m off again to Falmouth. I recently realised that moving in with your boyfriend (or in my case, fiancé now) and his family is an odd experience. I call it coming home, because I get to be with the one I love. However, it’s not quite home because I still feel like a guest; I don’t have a history there. It’s a new setting halfway through my story. I felt like that when I lived at my grandparents. It wasn’t my house, but someone else’s. they had different rules, different ways of doing things than I was used to. Then there are my parents houses.

My dad’s house is the one I grew up in as a child until about 14. That one doesn’t quite feel like home any more because: A. it has gone through many changes, B. The rest of my family aren’t there any more and C. It feels like so long ago since I lived there, I was just a kid. It’s got history, I’ll give you that, but it lacks something present, something now. My mum’s is the most like home out of all 5 houses. My mum’s there, my sisters are there, my dog’s there. I lived there very recently, before kind of moving in with George and I still go there a lot. It’s got more of a history and I’ve cooked there. That’s what I have decided the criteria for making a home is. Permanence + Memories + Being able to cook and clean comfortably + Family presence = Home. Family Presence can be taken out of the equation and still mean home, if you live by yourself, you can still be at home. You might have pictures of family or some kind of trace still around of them, they don’t necessarily have to live there with you.

I’ve been thinking about the idea of home and what it means to me personally, for a while. I wondered why I just couldn’t quite feel comfortable anywhere. I began thinking that I just didn’t belong any where and this made me feel very sad. I know now though, that all of these places are what makes up my home. I’m a bit of a traveller at the moment, moving from place to place, and I’m not quite feeling settled, but I know I will soon, once all of the temporary places get replaced for one permanent place. What’s your idea of home?

xx

A Nonsensical Wonderland

Tumbling, Tumbling,

Tumbling down,

Into the rabbit hole.

Rolling, rolling

Rolling around,

Which way do I go?

 

Trees do whisper,

Whilst the cat does laugh,

What is my purpose here?

I’m eating my bread,

And stuffing the fibre,

But still I have plenty to fear.

 

Following, following,

Following the herd,

But really there is no herd.

It’s all in my head,

Maybe I’m dead,

Have these events ever occurred?

 

Wonderland, wondersea,

What will become of me?

The Tweedles do twiddle

They’re all thumbs,

And no fiddle,

All the while I am stuffing this glee.

Fear

Fear is the faceless man
at the back of the room
that knows me too well.

Fear is the creeping cold
that you can’t escape,
and hits you like fate.

Fear is a darkened room
with no hope of light,
and no chance of sight.

Fear is a quiet noise,
the white noise,
that deafens.

Fear is the broken cord
of a wasted life
filled with pure strife.

Fear is the uncried tears
of a lonely girl
whose wings won’t unfurl.

Fear is the building of phobias
that clutch you,
with grubby claws
and claim you as their own.

The Wild Thing

I lay in bed,
With wild thoughts,
And wild dreams,
Of wild things.

And I see you,
The little boy,
With a lion heart,
My wild thing.

And we dance,
A wild dance,
Older now,
But no less wild.

And I tease you,
In a wild way,
Untill we fight,
In a mild way.

Then I laugh,
Wildly,
Untill you see me,
Uncontrollably,
Wildly laughing,
With my big, strong wild thing.

But still silent,
My wild thing,
Makes me feel like
I could sing,
Wildly,
While he roars,
And we chest beat an encore.

In wild fashion,
In my wild way,
I dream of the wild boy,
Who lives to laugh and play.

I know this way,
Wild will get to stay.

The Description Of A Cloudy Mind

Fog fills the tunnels,
of this empty mind,
where time has no place,
and people lack face.
Here, time is still,
yet things move so fast,
or they don’t move at all.

These rhythmless cogs,
turn doesil,
whilst images quickly fade,
in my fragile mind.
One drop and I’m gone.

Gone, gone, gone.
Where has time gone?
Where have you gone?
Who else will go?

Let it be known:

That I am not strong;
I am of fearful heart,
terrorised by the same nightmares,
the nightmares of a broken child,
but it must be told:

that time has no right here;
days blur to weeks,
weeks blur to months,
months to years;
yesterday can feel like yesteryear,
and yesteryear only yesterday.

That speculation creep the corners,
of my panicked temperament,
raptures any sense of relaxation,
and eliminates the carefree.

That I do natter;
I moan and I cackle,
my heart is as fragile,
as an elder held shackled.

That my soul is cracked on through;
it’s wrecked my head, and my heart too,
it wrecks havoc with my perception,
leaves me open to sorry correction.

I don’t know where I am.
I don’t know where I’m going.
I fall from place to place;
I fall from time to time;
I hold on to every place;
as I fall through the empty space,
that is this clouded mind.

How Does Love Come To Be?

Sitting on my grandfathers knee,
I asked him how love came to be.
I just couldn’t understand how you could fall
down to its’ beckoned call.

My grandfather laughed at my foolishness,
when all I could think was: love is a mess!
What kind of girl needs to be saved
by a silly boy that pretends to be brave?

All my grandmother could do was wince.
“Your grandfather was my handsome prince!
My dear, my dear, can’t you see?
Your grandfather was the one that saved me!”

I had heard the story a million times;
I had heard all the lines.
My grandfather, the soldier,
fresh from war,
came running back through my grandmothers door.

Forced to marry a snivelling worm,
my grandfather made his offer firm.
He took my grandmother far away,
but my grandfather wasn’t allowed to stay.

But he fought and he fought;
he wouldn’t let them get caught
by their terrible parents whose approval they sought.

“Yes, grandmother, I do understand,
how my grandfather is an amazing man,
but I do not hope to find
a man who will change my mind.”

The grandmother looked down at her little granddaughter,
eager to see where her story had brought her.
She remained insistent throughout the years,
until the little granddaughter out grew her fears.

Sitting next to her grandfather now,
her back against cold stone.
“Grandfather I see now how love comes to be.
I just wish you were still around to finally see
the incredible man that came to save me.”

Reading Gives You Wings

I used to hate reading. What would possess person to waste all their precious time staring at empty words on a page? It was a boring, rewardless, time consuming punishment. Then I found it. The spark. I felt it change me; my mind expanded, my boundaries became endless. Each book I picked up was unknown territory I had to explore. I became an adventurer. I fell in love with vampires and werewolves, fought demons and dragons, time travelled and ventured to faraway lands.

Reading became my escape hatch. It’s the pair of wings I’ve spent my life pining for. Why had I not found this love sooner? Books are my dear friend now, my secret. They take me away. They make me laugh, make me cry; make me throw them at walls in anger. They make me smile, make me scream and make me fall in love all over. In them, I found my passion; my identity, within the pages along with so many lives I long to live.

It’s not a chore anymore. It’s a gift. Reading is one of the greatest gifts. Sometimes, I wish my sisters could feel this way about books. I wish they could see the magic that the authors of my favourite novels and poems have created. I wish they could feel the same release I do from this ‘boring, rewardless, time consuming punishment’, because then they could get away like I can. They could be anything they wanted to be. They could be free.

Reading is just a part of me now. Without this opportunity for imagination, you see, i imagine it to be like missing an organ or a limb. Too many take the skill for granted and don’t put it to proper use and it’s sad, really because one day I hope to be on the other end. I hope to be the one producing escape hatches and wings. I hope to make people feel for the characters like it’s all real. I hope to help people find their passion. I want to give people the gift like Lauren Kate, Cassandra Clare and Margaret Stohl & Kami Garcia gave me.

Emma, Malala, Education and Equality

Into Film Festival opening Q&A

So, I just watched Emma Watson interview Malala and I felt completely overwhelmed by her brilliance and the brilliance of Emma. Had I have been in the same place as the two, I probably would have fainted or died of whatever it is these two women give off, my guess is intelligence, ideas and inspiration. Seeing two women, or completely different backgrounds coming together for a common cause- global equality and education for all is… I’m awestruck. I grew up with many ideas of my own but I felt because I was a child, I was not entitled to an opinion. I was not able to materialise my ideas. Watching Malala’s interview and how she talks about how age is not a restriction, really did get me thinking. I’d wished this had happened a lot earlier on. Seeing the affects drugs, alcohol and abuse can have on families, I have always wanted to do something about it but I never knew what. It is an issue that is a lot harder to track than education because hypocrisy is still live and well. Despite social media and our dependency on technology, we, like Victorians, still live a dual life. How do you change that?

I felt that because of how old I was, where I lived, where I went to school, who my friends and family were, because of how much money I didn’t have, I wouldn’t be able to make any kind of difference on anyone’s life. I had the dream of building a centre in my ever-growing home town for those ‘broken problem families’. I wanted there to be a safe haven for the scared, where children could have the space they needed and mothers, and fathers, wouldn’t have to keep looking over their shoulder. I knew kids that had to travel from which ever haven they were sent to to school. They’d forget all their equipment, half the time their uniform and they were disorientated. How do you reach out to these people without it seeming like you’re trying to stick your nose in? It’s very hard for a kid to learn anything when all that is going through their minds is what happened the night before with their parents, or other relatives.

And I agree with Malala, that education is so important. Most of what we learn, is what we need to achieve something in life and to contribute to society in some shape or form. I paid a lot of attention in school and had an awful lot of respect for most of my teachers, and even the ones I did not like, I still showed respect for. I didn’t think that I’d need a lot of what I’d learnt in school but recently, I’ve wished that I kept these things up. Hat making is not as simple as it appears to be, when you have forgotten mathematical equations and how to work with textiles. Maths, Science and Languages really are the core to everything but all of the other subjects are far from being useless. It’s true, there are a lot more things we could have learnt about in terms of our society and ‘how to adult’ but these things are buildings blocks for a career and hobbies.

It frustrates me so much when I hear about my younger sisters taking their education for granted and choosing to half-ass it. Getting sent out of class, or worse isn’t cool. You’re lowering yourself by missing something that could be so important to you and your future. There was a group of kids I went to school with who took their education as a joke. Sure, not everyone is going to need the full spectrum of what we learn but it’s better to have been giving a slice of the cake than to not be offered at all, which is Malala’s point. If kids in this country were denied a spot in school there would be an outcry and I bet you a lot more kids would want to go to school. I get the dis-appeal of the daily grind but it is necessary. After you’ve got the knowledge, it’s time to go out and get the experience and that’s all up to you. Education is there so you can just pick your future like an apple from a tree. Without this knowledge, you’ll be picking poisonous berries thinking that you’ve got a handful of blackberries.

My point here is to allow yourself to be inspired and fill yourself with as much as you can. When you allow this to happen, you can make things happen. I feel honoured to be able to have the opportunity to create a Pagan community down in Falmouth, for, hopefully, many to reap the benefits of. It is a breath of fresh air being able to meet like minded people that believe in similar things I do, because faith is not something I’ve ever been able to converse about. I’d also taken an interest in religious studies but I had always felt like an outsider to the conversation. Now I’m beginning to get stuck in and it really does feel lovely to be apart of such a welcoming community where no one is there to judge you. I’ve got a lot of ideas for this community and I hope with them to make some kind of change and to make an impact.

Thanks everyone. I really recommend you watching the interview and see how you come out the other side. Please remember, that each and everyone of you is capable of making change. x