The Maths Of Feeling Lonely

I read The Age of Loneliness by An Author’s Life, and this is supposed to be a bit different but aware of the mentioned text. I don’t know how to mould the content so I’ll just have to see where it takes me.

So, unsurprisingly this is today’s topic because I woke up feeling lonely today. I’d spent this weekend staying with one of my best mates from home who attends Plymouth University. There were laughs and there were tears. All in all, it was a great weekend. I find loneliness one of the most frustrating feelings of all though. I wake up without George (the fiancé) every morning and it’s lonely. I go about my morning, getting ready and doing work by myself. That get’s pretty lonely too. The afternoon progresses, I might see people on campus. I might get a phone call from George, I might actually have social plans formed and yet, but that point, in can be pretty hard to know when to turn that switch off.

And I know, it’s not just me. This weekend alone, I realised that a lot of people around me feel it too. Being around people can be a distraction but when the distraction is over, you are left with yourself and for some people, that can be pretty damn scary. Some people say that the outside world is scary but I believe that our own minds are even scarier. At the end of it all, you are born alone and you die alone. There’s one voice alone in your head. It’s the internal that can be most dangerous.

View loneliness as a warning bell.

When you feel so sad that you can’t do anything and the silence gets too much, and the lack of company gets too much, it’s time to go find some. That’s not always something you can do, like me waking up alone in the morning. That’s something I have to endure until George visits again. But there are times when you can do it. If you’re at home, watching stuff or playing games, whatever it is, go and seek out those you live with. Parents get taken far too easily for granted. They are there to help you and they’d probably tell you you were being silly if they saw you choosing to remain alone when you are feeling lonely. Being around people doesn’t always help satisfy it, but it certainly can help. Especially when they are people that you are close with and trust. If they aren’t, then perhaps don’t bother with them.

last supper

The issue with loneliness is that it comes in so many forms. Moving away, losing a partner, losing friends, being overloaded with work, losing a pet, and there are probably  loads more. Loss in general is enough to trigger loneliness, whether someone walks away or is taken from you, a hole, no matter how big or small, will open up in your life. Equally, other big events can make you feel lonely as you’re having to replace sociality with whatever is currently consuming your time. Social media and virtual experiences of people, aren’t enough to satisfy the need for actual human contact. 

I was going to call this ‘The Art Of Feeling Lonely’ However, loneliness isn’t like over thinking. It’s not something that takes you to places, regardless of if you want to go there. Loneliness just happens. It’s not tied to age or experience. At the age 6 I felt lonely. At the age of 15 I felt lonely, and now, nearly 21, I feel lonely. I’m dead sure that it won’t be the last time that I feel lonely either. So, I’ll call it an equation of maths instead, where loneliness is a feeling of subtraction in your life. Something has been taken away which has made you feel this void. It might even not be something you’re aware of. The subtracted could be you. Before this feeling, you may have enjoyed being alone. It’s something that many people are good at; but then something happens inside yourself and you realise that you don’t enjoy your own company any more. It happens.

The thing with maths, is that you can add things to your sum. When you feel something has been subtracted, add something, or someone. Experiment. The numbers you add don’t have to be huge, or daring. They don’t have to feel like a leap. There’s no point in over compensating. Do the maths that you can do and the loneliness should take care of it’s self.

Thanks for reading everyone (: See you soon xx

 

This Journey

I have lips but I hold no face

I wish to sing but I have no tongue

I wish to tell the Earth I love her but the

Words remain trapped

I get flung across ponds and lakes

I get carried by the wind and the rain

I feel no pain.

I feel nothing except the want to be more.

I trave down around the world

Until my lips touch plants

I kiss the soil, my earthly lover.

This dirt carresses my rocky exterior

It softens me in this darkness.

I know I’m where I’m meant to be.

My lips hold nature closer than they

Ever have before.

I’m at the base of life

Whilst I myself hold none.

I am black, bathing in brown

held together by all that is red.

I have found where I am

Meant to be.

The Art Of Overthinking

I had difficulty choosing what I wanted to write about today. Out of my list of topics, none of them seemed to fit with my current mood. I wasn’t even sure what my current mood was. I got talking to a friend about over thinking and it hit me. This is what I have to write about.

One of the secrets to happiness is to avoid this art all together. I’m calling it an art because it is perfected over time and has no instrumental value whatsoever. It will not better you or your life. It will not make you happy, only sad. Over thinking can destroy you. This friend’s retaliation was that if you have something good, then no amount of thinking could take that goodness away. My point was that it can. When you are sad, depressed even, you don’t see good things, only bad. Good things either become meaningless or mean only bad things in this mind set. The more you think about it, the more your thoughts become corrupted. One bad thought infects all the rest. I love pineapple. Pineapple is my go to food BUT if I think about it enough, I could probably think of reasons why I shouldn’t eat it. In a little experiment, I decided to see how that panned out and I remembered how, eating too much of it gives me a belly ache. The acid eats away at my mouth and, eating the amount of it that I want to eat would actually hurt me. This made me sad. That’s how over thinking works. You take a good thing and you pick at it until it’s gone.

This is particularly relevant to relationships. If you feel insecure as a person, you will feel insecure in a relationship, be that a romantic relationship, a friendship or even in your family setting. Over thinking can destroy trust. I, myself, have fallen prey to these particularly nasty types of thoughts about my boyfriend, about my friends, about my own mother even. I’m not afraid to admit that. By thinking too much into language or action it can distort your view of people, and how you relate to them. Trust is a fragile thing. By seeing things that aren’t there, you could easily lose that person. By over thinking, you may think you’ve already lost that person. Paranoia is not pretty. I much prefer a smile to accompany my outfits.

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Another issue with over thinking is that you can end up being overly harsh on yourself. Over thinking can happen in many ways. Insecurities about our selves can happen though it. Not thinking you’re good enough, thinking that you are unworthy. You don’t deserve to think this way because you are. You don’t deserve this sad way of living. You don’t need to push people away. You don’t need to be anyone else. You can get past it, I often do. I won’t lie, it’s become quite a habit, seeing the worst in situations. I find that keeping the mind busy is the best way to dodge it. Do things you’re good at. Do things you’re interested in. Do things that require your full attention. I like to concentrate on projects. While I was in school, I liked to take photo’s of landscapes and weather. I never had any training but I knew that made a pretty picture. You could find all of my pictures on Facebook, if you know where to look. I also liked to play with make up and from time to time I would create large artworks on my face. I found my face an exciting canvas to paint on. I still do like to experiment with make up nowadays. It was half way through school that I realised that I enjoyed writing fiction. I began writing books. After I finished school and started college, I started writing poetry and I let my writing grow. Sports help. I’ve always played a lot of sports. You can really let your frustrations out there. I found Wicca helps too. This was one of my earliest outlets. Learning to be still is something that is taken for granted.

M#24

These days, I just want to make things. Mix CD’ for my boyfriends car, artwork, this blog, a new hat for Samhain. I find that embarking on projects is the best way to deal with this. There are lots of different art forms you can pick up. Just don’t pick up this one.

Thanks for reading guys, see you soon x

Let Music Take You There

Music is a translation of what we think, what we know, how we feel. We communicate with complex strings of sounds which make up words and symbols. Music goes beyond our usual method of communication. It seems to have a direct link to our memories. One song can tripper thoughts and feeling that had long since passed, or give way to knew ones we didn’t think we had.

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Bastille’s first album Bad Blood, for example, is a summary of my entire trip to New York. When I was seventeen, my auntie and uncle had given me the fantastic opportunity of visiting them in America. I’d only ever been abroad once before, to France with my grandparents, and had never been on a plane. I had mixed emotions about the journey, which I had to take alone. I was upset about leaving my family behind. I was excited about going somewhere entirely new and seeing my cousins again. It had been so long. I was a little scared about flying. I was happy about finally having some time off after working pretty hard over the summer. I was sat on the plane, probably about half way through my eight hour journey when I’d finished watching two films. I was ready to settle down now so I was looking through the planes album list. I didn’t really see anything I was interested in but Bastille was the latest thing so I thought I’d try it. I fell in love. I listened to that album for about… the next three hours. I listened to it while I was in New York. I listened to it on the way back. These songs became a comfort to me. Now whenever I hear the album, it’s a symbol of my journey. It’s my travel music.

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Another example of music marking my life would be 1989 by Taylor Swift. My boyfriend, George, bought me this for my birthday. I am an avid Taylor fan. I needed the album so badly, and like the darling he is, he got it for me. While I was at uni I’d listen to this album and I’d think of him. This album reflects my relationship and the journey I made to get to uni. It’s all a ‘state of grace’, so to speak. When I felt sad about George having to leave, or when I felt lonely and missed my family, I’d switch on my CD player and I’d listen to a bit of Taylor. I moved house twice last year so this album is the symbol of my change. George stayed through all of that, just like, despite the huge changes of sound Taylor has gone through, she’s still Taylor Swift. Despite all of the changes I’ve gone through, I’m still Sam Wiltshire.

Music makes up our identity. It interlocks with fashion and hobbies and our personalities. in a way, a person’s taste in music makes them who they are. You often know pretty quickly after finding out a person’s taste of music, whether or not you’re going to like them or not. You have a point over which you can bond. George for example, is so very different from me but when I looked through his small CD collection the other day I realised that he was exactly the kind of boy I would have pined over at school, if we’d gone to the same one. Someone who listens to a lot of techno and house is often not going to give someone who listens to Papa Roach religiously the time of day.

In my eyes then, music is magick that holds physical evidence. You can hear it and you can see the effects it has on people. It can make them sad, it can make them happy. You can move people with a good song. You can change the world. Good music isn’t help back by language barriers. Everyone can understand sound. Music, in my eyes is something that everyone should be able to access and create if they wanted to. I grew wishing I could learn an instrument but my parents couldn’t afford it. My learnt to play the recorder for a few years in primary school and in my last two years, I had the pleasure of playing the flute. I adored it. The flute is a beautiful instrument and I wasn’t actually too bad. It was such a shame when I had to leave it all behind. These days I play the guitar, not very well, but I am self taught and I love to sing. I have sung since I was very young. These are skills that I would love to pass on to my children in the future. You don’t need to cling on to the charts to hear good music. It’s all around you.

I was a little outraged by Taylor’s move to make people pay to listen to her music online. I buy her albums because I adore her music, but I usually can’t wait long enough to buy her deluxe editions, nor do I usually have the money to afford such luxuries. So therefore, I can’t listen to her extra songs. It’s elitist. Music has become a gigantic industry for the elite. What has happened to the ‘lower’ forms of music? The local gold mines and community spirit? I have instead chosen to listen to other people’s versions of her deluxe songs and I thoroughly recommend it. No, they do not have Taylor’s beautiful voice, but they do not need it. Music is music. It doesn’t need to have a stamp of ownership. Everyone knows the song belongs to her. She makes a lot of money. Give people a break and try to remember what it’s all about.

So, I guess what I’m trying to get across in this article is that you should take advantage of what you can listen to. Experience all that there is to experience. Let the music take you there. And if you ever get the chance to make your own- do it. Music is the language our memories choose to speak.

Thanks for reading guys, see you soon! x

Following The Light

With time light changes,

the buds will bloom,

the trees will turn green.

With time light changes;

the flowers will die,

and the river will sour.

With time light changes,

and the things that were

most important

will vanish into the late afternoon

shadows.

With time light changes;

the things we took for granted

will move away, like the water

it can’t stay the same.

With time light changes;

the focal point of the picture

will change

and then you will have to start again.

With time light changes

but unlike light, we cannot.

We stick to what we know;

yet we paint and write about the light

that we cannot touch.

With time light changes;

the lilies will glisten,

the water will sparkle.

With time light changes;

the sky will turn grey,

and the bridge will be damp.

With time light changes,

and all will be dark again.

The Artist’s Conscience

The colours of this portrait tasted vile.

He looks away, into the grey.

Walk forward and the colours move with you:

Blue brown blue brown

outline.

The landscape doesn’t change:

blue brown blue brown

Into the void he goes.

There’s fire in this horizon:

blue brown blue brown

He picks up his speed, sprinting to touch the flaming sky;

it swirls with the white of brewing precipitation.

Stops.

No more blue brown blue brown

no more brush against white.

I snap shot the moment.

Draw a box around it; that should work.

Hold still my faceless man

of blue and brown,

keep still now while you dry.

Plant some flowers

I heard the paint say.

Don’t leave him blue brown blue brown baron.

Give him some trees, some flowers, some life;

give him some kind of hope!

They told me, to give him a dream,

not just one of blue brown,

blue brown

bring the fire closer to home.

Let him lick the embers;

let it rain down on him;

fill the void, artist, fill it, that’s your job!

Give him ambition in the flowers around him,

give him grass to spring his step,

they told me, no more-

no more blue brown blue brown

you’re torturing the poor man.