It’s Christmas, and I’m home. Is everything perfect? Like hell is it. The last couple of months have been real tough. I turned 21. I got to the end of a two month long battle with my landlords and won. I had a several deadlines, one of which I had to get extended. I have two phones, both of which broke. I’ve had relationship troubles- my relationship has been pretty non existent. I’ve had ongoing worries about the health and relationships within my family. My face has been covered in spots, my scalp dried itself out, I’ve been tired, I’ve been hungry. I’ve had career issues. Pretty much everything that could go wrong has, and it’s slowly working itself out. But it’s Christmas and despite coming home, these things haven’t disappeared. My biggest problem right now is my relationship. The second is my family but right now, I need to wait for more information on that front.
The problem is that I’m in love. Or that I love. To love, is complicated. It first of all implies that it is reciprocated. But then, does it? You can love your dinner, but the dinner doesn’t need to love you back for the love to exist. So then, perhaps love is just an unconditional feeling instead, which would make more sense. You don’t require anything for that person, just their existence brings you a certain amount of pleasure. Which would make more sense, but relationships are maintained upon equality, or rather equity. They require more than just love, they require effort, commitment, loyalty, communication, intimacy and affection. They break down when any of these things are missing.
So, I’m at a cross road. Mental illness is robbing me of the things I need, these things being the basic glue of any decent relationship. It would be foolish for me to think that an illness, invisible or not, cannot overpower a person. I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it. But, can the person overcome it if they want it badly enough? Can that alone fight it? I don’t know. It seems fitting that the song below should be playing as I write this. I’ve not heard this before but it feels about right. This deliberating seems dangerous for my health and happiness and yet I can’t forget about it. I don’t want to.
The cross road is a hard one. There are two roads, relationship and no relationship. Both could be positive or negative. How does someone decide whether what they’re fighting for is enough? If it’s worth it?