Today I’m going over things that were talked about last night; about weight, size and attractiveness. I don’t feel very beautiful today. I feel like I need a change of face and body. I feel like I don’t want to be me any more. I’m tired.
I’m perfect as I am, he says. Please don’t put on any more weight, he says. I wonder if he’d love me better looking like someone else. I feel like I could scream at myself but really, I just want to scream at someone. Someone that could change my mind. I feel awful. I don’t understand where all this awfulness is coming from. I wish I could understand better.
I wonder if my mum is free today. I’m sure she’d come and get me if she was. Oh wait, no. She’s not. I’m so lonely. Maybe this is what this is. I think I really will post all of this today. I feel desperate. I don’t really know what else to say. I need something in my life but I don’t know what it is. A life maybe, to begin with. I don’t even know who I am. I’m a mess. I want to be able to enjoy things other people enjoy. It’s like life and everything in it has worn me down so much that I’m just this weak and fragile thing. I don’t even know what I like to do. I don’t have anything in my life that I enjoy. Who the fuck am I!???? I hate it. I hate… I can’t even go in to it.