How’d you write about Yeovil?

First things first: take advantage. When you title your work, be sure to use a shocking title to highlight the absence of education and sensibility. Refer to words such as ‘chav’, drugs’, ‘immigrants’, ‘over populated’, ‘criminal’, ‘beat up’, ‘charity shops’, ‘teen pregnancy’, ‘traffic chaos’, ‘Yarlington’ and ‘ugly’. When referring to ‘The People’, you must distinguish clearly between those raised and born in Yeovil, although, those in other areas of Somerset may be included, except Chard and Bridgwater (those areas don’t count) and foreigners, most commonly Polish folk.

Do not feature an intellectual on the cover unless they are popular and have in some way, tried to better the living conditions in Yeovil. By no means should it be a councillor or a local politician; book burnings would be frequent. Instead, you must go with either the working class hero that is known for their thick, homely accent or a hugely famous and widely loved celebrity that has visited Yeovil, such as any actor or actress of ‘TOWIE’.

In your text, you need to talk about Yeovil as if it were the only place in Somerset, because it is. Nowhere else is worth mentioning, and Bath and Bristol aren’t really in Somerset so there’s no need to worry about them.  Taunton rivals Yeovil so it’s best not to mention them unless you’re ready for a civil war. Just close your eyes and hope they go away. Yeovil is developing. It’s all consuming. Soon all of the surrounding villages will become one with Yeovil. It is Somerset’s mother. You must mention its deep history: its glove factories, its place in the War. Take car not to mention the deteriorated state of the ‘stink’ factory though. Nobody needs to know that it’s a drugs den. It’s a big town with a population of more than 45,000 and it’s rapidly increasing. We’re close to being a city. You must include the football team but leave out the unnecessary description of the stadium and bad parking in residential areas every Sunday due to these battles that Yeovil can never win. Paint the people as ambitious football fans.  Your reader won’t care about the particulars, as long as they know that there are lots of big, strong athletic people, that should be enough to keep them reading. You must begin your research with the Facebook pages: ‘Yeovil ‘Real’ News’, ‘Yeovil…A Trip back to the Past’, ‘Buy and Sell Yeovil’… the places you will find true, factual information about Yeovil and its inhabitants. It’s a booming economic success and The Quedam is its shopping capital. Yeovil is far enough away from the levels to avoid any threat of flood although all weathers that hit are considered unsavoury. These are all good things to include in your writing.

Construction Gold
An actual image of Yeovil’s expansion. It’s happening. Be afraid. 

Make sure you inform the reader about the night life and the warrior lifestyle that the youths of Yeovil endure every weekend. Neo is the academy for youth, where they will dance until they are pouring with sweat, upon poles above the ordinary class of people. It is where they will drink liquids you could only dream of, from a simpler time. It is where they attract their mates, after an extensive period of pluming themselves at home and walking in shoes that make walking on glass look comfortable. Neo is the end trial of a number of tests, including Wetherspoons and Karma. If your characters make it through all of the trials, a trip to Charcoal Grill will be the ultimate reward, other kebab shops will do though. You must reflect on how delicious their kebabs are to those poor souls that have endured such a night of tests and trials. Yes, Yeovil’s youths are the strongest of Britain’s young but they are modest and therefore, will not acknowledge their strength. Those that do are not worth mentioning unless you are looking to create a villain for your story. There are plenty of villains worth bringing up in your story set in Yeovil.

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A group of young Yeovil warriors embarking on their final trial, Neo, after barely making it out of Wetherspoons alive on a Saturday night.

Taboo subjects would be showing appreciation of the road works which are wrecking havok through the town, the lack of independent businesses operating in the town centre and UCY (University Centre of Yeovil). UCY is a forsaken ground that is frowned upon by any respectable, ambitious young person. To talk of higher education is not generally done. Assume that everyone has dropped out of education as soon as they were legal to do so, although the juiciest stories come from those that dropped out long before legalities.

Include a love story, perhaps that develops between the single young parents of a baby or between two drugged up lovers that declare their hatred of each other loudly in the bandstand because they have been banned from The Quedam. You may also include a battle between parents and teachers over pupil illnesses, holidays, general scruffiness and rudeness. Your readers will love to hear about the treachery committed by teachers to their pupils at one of Yeovil’s local youth prisons.

You must talk sarcastically and discuss how much you hate Yeovil and can’t wait to get away from it because that is that your readers will expect from you. If you oppose this tradition, your writing will fail. Yeovil is not a place where the sun is always shining. Despite the lack of floods, it is not a pleasant place. It would take a true visionary to change the opinion of masses. You should probably explain early on whether you are right wing or left wing but do not state ideas that are too radical. ‘slightly’ will be the key word to use here. Otherwise you may attract a readership that you do not want and many of your potential readership will not understand a word you say. Regardless of political intention, you must talk about Yeovil’s failures and how the new generations are ruining it. You must talk about how nobody wants to live here but no one ever really gets out; unless they move away up north, because the people are southern and southerners have issues adjusting to any lifestyle that includes removing oneself from bed.

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