Ok so, it’s been so long since I had last written that the website has been updated and the actual format of the ‘new post’ page has changed… interesting. I’d first like to apologise for my lack of writing, I’m sure many of you have missed me.
The occasion of my writing comes upon many things. The first of which was my doctors appointment yesterday evening. I finally plucked up enough courage to admit the struggles I have faced with myself for most of my life. It was not easy and there were several occasions upon this confession where I almost cried. It was very difficult to admit there is a problem out loud, especially when I’m so used to harbouring these thoughts and feelings. So, I’m kind of proud of myself for that. For so long I tried to pretend like I’m ok by helping others face their own problems. I’ve been on the outside looking in, because I was too afraid to lift my head from the sand. This has both helped me and made me feel worse.
I knew university life would be hard. Whilst in college, I didn’t think I could do it. The thought of me living by myself and so far away from my family, I thought was ridiculous and I knew that I would feel like this. I had no idea how to look after myself. Not just physically but in every way; and I do feel like I neglect myself. My room became a tip, I looked like a cavewoman and my life feels shit. So I have decided that today, I’m going to take a ‘me’ day, because I’m ill and I need to feel better. Just getting out of bed is the hardest thing to do at the moment. I am up though.
I found this band a few days ago called ‘Laboratorium Piesni’ and they are amazing. Their music is so tranquil and that’s helped me so far. I’ve lit incense, opened my blinds and I’ve un-littered my room. I think just doing that helps a lot. The moment I woke up I started to try and do essay work. I have 5 assignments due after Christmas and I go home next week. Just the thought of writing 10,000 words over Christmas is frightening as well as all of the reading I’ve got. However, I realise that I don’t work like others may. I can’t do all-nighters. I’ve had trouble waking up so I need a very early night. I’ve been using Facebook unconsciously as escapism and that’s getting in the way of my time. Time to say good bye to the app. Last year I realised that the only way I could focus was to focus on myself first. When I worry and panic, I forget this. I forget everything, quite literally. And it is fricken scary.
I’m writing this post to banish the bad stuff from my head and hopefully free it so that I can focus on essay things. Tonight I’ve got a presentation on what Paganism is. It’s really important and I need to get better for that. Wicca is my passion and it’s saved my life once before. It’s important that other people understand just what Paganism is. It’s not about converting people, it’s the religious education that you weren’t taught in school. I don’t want my future in-laws to worry about me wanting to share a Pagan style wedding or any of the other rites of passage with my boyfriend. I made a joke about just telling everyone I’m Buddhist. Much less stigma to deal with on that front.
Anyway, the society is going well. We held a stall at the faith fayre last week and it looked smashing. That’s the picture for this post. We made quite a bit of money altogether and it was great to meet people from the other faiths. I’ve also begun with a project of connecting pagans across different universities and colleges. It has certainly been interesting! See, feeling much better now! After this I’m going to get some toaster waffles. After yesterdays appointment I walked home and but my knees felt like jelly and I felt ridiculous so I decided to treat myself to nice ‘breakfast’ although it’s a bit late for breakfast now… Anyway, I think that’s just about everything I wanted to articulate. Keeping calm and not losing my head is going to be the hardest part for me over this next month or so but I think, with the right support, I can do it.
Thank you so much to those that come and keep up with the news, hope it’s been interesting for you! Blessed be everyone, and be blessed x