At what point is it ok for a person to ask for help? This is subject I have always had difficulty with. At what point can you say: I’ve tried my best I really have, but I haven’t got much ‘try’ left in me anymore? At what point is it ok to even admit that you’re embarrassed or scared of getting help? What a silly thought, scared of getting help, scared to even admit it. How many years of worry does one have to go through before ‘I’ll go tomorrow’ becomes today? How many people need to walk away, tired of you, before you realise that today needs to be the day. How many tears do you have to mop up, screams that you have to muffle before you realise that enough is enough? I am guilty of the answer ‘too many’.
The frustrating thing is that I can’t pin it to a person or a place. I can’t blame anyone or anything but myself. The state of my mind and my emotions is my own. It is the price I pay for my own cowardice. How is every other aspect of your well being a priority but that of your mental? You see the people with the physical scars or their condition and you hear them say to ‘outsiders’ who give the nod of understanding their way say ‘Don’t bother. You couldn’t possibly understand this. You don’t look like this. You don’t have my symptoms. You have no idea what life with this is like.’ But maybe they do. Maybe they’re in an even frailer state because they have no possible idea how to let this awfulness out. they get the ideas but they don’t have juice in their guts to follow it through so it eats away at their brains until years later, they’ve got no brain left. How can you ask for something when you don’t know what you want or what you need? How is it possible to find words for something you don’t fully understand? How do you justify yourself? At what point is it ok, is it not ‘being soft’?
The important part of the ordeal is to wake up one day and realise: This joy your feeling isn’t going to last long. In a few hours or a couple weeks even, you’re going to feel crap again. You’re going to think stupid things and upset people. You’re going to bawl your eyes out for reasons that don’t really exist. You’re going to wish you weren’t here. You’re in a temporary state of bliss when it should be permanent. You should be able to wear the smile you’re renowned for, even when you’re alone at home. You shouldn’t have to look over your shoulder all the time. You shouldn’t have to lay in bed for hours begging for sleep. You shouldn’t have to apologise for things that are out of your control. And while this accumulation of circumstance might be your fault, the fact you feel this way in the first place isn’t your fault. Who knows why our minds buckle and resist us? All I know is that it hurts.
Let’s make tomorrow today.