Tick Tock

Time is something I have always found to be scary. I’ve never felt as though I have had enough of it. I grew up wondering what the future would be like, wondering if I’d ever get to see it. I’m sat here, in mine and my boyfriend’s room staring at the calendar, knowing that I’ll have to go away again soon. While I’m excited to start up my course again and settle into my new house, the thought of leaving him again scares me. The first time we’d faced so many problems, and I’m scared in case we face them again. I’m scared I’ll be lonely again. I spent so much of my time feeling lonely. Story of my life, really. I’m scared about what I will get to achieve while I’m still here and I’m worried I’m going to look back on the summer and think: ‘why couldn’t have I done more?’. I used to worry each year about going back to school. For a few weeks before going back, I’d have difficulty getting to sleep. I didn’t have any reason to be worried. I could handle the douchebags. The teachers weren’t particularly mean. But it meant that a year had passed. Time had gone by that I could not relive. You don’t get second chances to do things over. From a very young age, I understood this.

prom dressprom

I’m writing right now, not to inform you as I would in my usual article. I’m not really trying to entertain. I’m just trying to shift a weight that’s on my chest that will crush me if I let it. I used to have dreams of remaining a young child while all of my friends and classmates grew older around me. I never saw myself age. I didn’t know I was even able to. I could picture futures for everyone else. In my future, I saw nothing. I found it a miracle the day of my prom. Sixteen and still live. Success. I also used to have dreams however of being older than everyone else. I wasn’t aware of me having an adult life, just that no one could recognise me. I had grown up too quickly. That was something I made sure never happened. I made sure I made the best of my childhood and, whilst all the kids my age started drinking and going to parties fairly young, I stuck to what I knew best. I didn’t need that lifestyle. I knew that when I got to eighteen I’d be able to do all of that stuff and not feel guilty about it. Guilt is a very real thing in my life but I’m not worried about guilt right now. I’m worried about time and space. I’m worried I might fall through the gaps.

How does one become unafraid of something as constant and ever-present as time?

Thanks for reading x

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11 thoughts on “Tick Tock

  1. You might try to understand it. As soon you understand scarry things they are less mysterious and less scarry as before. If it might help I could tell you or blog about my current view on “time”. I also understand your worries and can also relate to your position vs others from your age (like drinking etc.)

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  2. Well it is not really time itself but like you said the changes and endings etc.
    For me time is a sort of straight line and you are moving on it . But the way HOW you move on this line and WHAT happens while you move …. these are more the things that can be scary. Sometimes you can’t control these things and sometimes you do. But you can always do actions of your self and try to “shape” the line where you are moving on. And even when there are some actions you can’t control, you can always try to make the best of it.

    BTW, I forgot to mentioned in my first post, but those photos from your prom looks beautiful. (Basically I think everything to do with a prom is beautiful xD haha) I always wanted to go to a prom, but never found the right person to go with. So I hope I will ever find the right person to go to a fairy-tale-prom (you with people dressed up like a prince or princess). Like you said (“I could picture futures for everyone else. In my future, I saw nothing.”) I had the same thing. If people ask me about my future I always say that I have no idea. Because I also see nothing. And that is not always a bad sign. For me, I think is a good sign: There are so many options that you could chose to do in the future, and I just didn’t made up my mind yet. There are some things that I can picturize (like having a beautiful daughter or going to a prom like I said before) but these are just some of my wishes/dreams.

    Maybe it isn’t the answer that you are looking for, but hope it will help 🙂

    ps: if you think I’m commenting too much on your blog please tell 🙂 Sometimes I’m a very talkative person.

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    1. Thank you Moonstone, and firstly, I really appreciate your comments. You seem like a lovely person and I can be pretty talkative too so it’s nice. Secondly, those are good points you’ve metioned. Things do feel better when you try to see the best in situations you can’t control. Lastly, thank you ever so much. That means a lot. I was pretty disappointed on the day of my prom because it poured down with rain and everything felt like it had to be rushed because of it. In England, have a date for prom really isn’t a big deal and most people just go with their friends. I had a date, but it almost cost me a friendship :L You don’t need a prince or a princess to make you feel like royalty. You dress up and get taken by the magic of your transformation hahaha Your wishes sound very similar to mine haha and I hope they come true (:

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      1. You’r welcome and I’m glad to hear that you like them 🙂 And thanks for the compliment ^_^.

        Oh well you’r also welcome, it looks nice, so it can be said. The left picture makes me thinking about a princess on a prom 🙂 Well maybe is everyone dressed up like that in the UK, but I haven’t seen it a lot here in Belgium … (or maybe it’s because I never have been to a prom). Oh well yes, but here it is a little bit harder to find people to go with you to a prom (or at last for me) even with friends. So I just can hope that my time will come ^_^ and I’m sure it will come, I just need to hold on a little bit longer…

        Aw, that’s not nice to hear. A prom must be either romantic or fun (or both) but not destroying friendships 😦 But it sounds lovely like you talk about the magic of the transformation 🙂 What are your wishes if I may ask ? (I have a lot xD)

        Oh well it doesn’t mean that it is raining that it is bad. Like if you are going to a prom on a date and it is raining, just imagine how romantic it is when he is holding her an umbrella when she is coming out the car. Or just walking closely (packed together) beneath an umbrella while the water is pouring on the umbrella. You can see it as a bad thing but you can also see it as something else. It is just how you look at things 😉

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      2. Awh thank you (: I have no idea about Belgium and it’s fashions/ customs haha You never had a prom at school? It definately wasn’t romantic for me, my date was just a friend that I used to do Taekwondo with haha, my friend however had a crush on my date and that was where the argument started haha I have many wishes haha I wish to graduate from uni. I wish to marry my George. I wish he could be tidier hahaha I wish that I could get more readers haha It wasn’t fun when I stepped out of my vintage car, stood on my dress and almost slipped over in the mud haha Very true though haha

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  3. Oh I can’t explain you much about fashion, maybe there are some blogs about it ? xD Well it is the same idea, but it is just more a party like another except it is only for the last year students. Less prom, more disco :). Hope your dancing wasn’t a sort of Taekwando move, hehe ^^. Oh I see, those things can happen :-/. Well for me … I don’t need to wish anymore to graduate, because I just did ^^ YAAY :D, well I don’t wish to marry George (guess he better fits you ^^) but I also want to marry someone later. No idea about the tidier part 😛 Oh well more readers would be fun too ! But don’t mind them. They will come, as long you just keep writing. Today I received my 5th follower, I think it’s kinda weird, I’m writing a mix of things and they want to follow me xD i also noticed this weird thing when I was checking my stats (don’t know if you know how it is possible) but if I see a certain post of my own, I can see “5 likes” and like ‘0 views” so I’m thinking “How the h*ck is that possible” xD you know what I mean ? 😛 — Oh that’s bad luck, and good that you didn’t slipped, that would have ruined the whole evening :O What kind of vintage car do you have (if I may ask ) ?

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    1. Yes ours is for last year students too. We have a meal and a disco afterwards (: haha no my dancing was very much dancing :L Awh congratulations! I certainly do hope so, he’s mine haha I feel that same way about what I’m writing, but you keep doing what you do. it certainly is interesting (: Oh yeh, I’ve had that too and… I dont think the stats are very accurate. How can my poems get more likes than views? ahahI rented a 1930’s Sunbeam.

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      1. nice, ours was just a disco thing. thanks ! and yes everything will be fine ^_^ oh well I have no idea, I was also thinking about that. Hmm I think it is accurate but I think it is more some kind of wordpress-thinggie. Oh nice! An old big car like in the black and white movies ?

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